


Forever & Always

by genevieveyoung



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character Death, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Post-Hogwarts, Songfic, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-11-14 16:33:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11211936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genevieveyoung/pseuds/genevieveyoung
Summary: "I'll love you forever, forever and always. Please just remember, even if I'm not there, I'll always love you. Forever and always"





	1. Hour's Getting Later

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. All credit goes to the wonderful JKR. Further, the lyrics are from Parachute's song, Forever and Always.

_"She's sitting at the table_

_The hour's getting later_

_He was supposed to be here_

_She's sure he would've called"_

XxxxxxX

**January 1980, 2:30 AM**

She's sitting in the kitchen, a cup of tea long since past warm sitting on the table in front of her. She's got her knees pulled up to her chest, a book propped against them. She's been trying to focus on the text, but she's been on the same page for the last few hours. Her mind refuses to let her be, filling up with various scenarios, each one worse than the last.

She knows she should probably get to bed. She has a shift at St. Mungos at 6:00, but she can't. She can't sleep knowing he's still out there somewhere.

Salem hops onto the table, meowing at her. She puts down her novel, running a hand over his soft black fur. Salem purrs, disregarding her book, and settling down on top of it so she'll keep petting him.

She thinks about when James surprised her with the Bombay for her seventeenth birthday. He'd been curious about the name she'd picked, and she'd had to explain about the witch trials in America. He'd been amused and indignant about the notion of binding up people and tossing them into a body of water. "What kind of proof is that?" he cried, rolling his eyes. "Being a witch or wizard doesn't mean you're not human! Stupid muggles."

Petting Salem calms her some, especially when she thinks about how he always hisses at the sight of James - James usually hissing back - but she's still nervous. She has no idea why this mission is making her particularly anxious. James has gone on multiple missions for the Order before - as has she - and they've both made it out relatively fine. A little bruised and battered, but with all their limbs still intact.

Maybe she's so nervous because it's past the time James said he would be back. She goes back over his words, trying to confirm what time he'd said he would be back…

XxxxxxX

_She was walking through the front door, exhausted from her shift. Today had been particularly hectic, with patients walking in with everything from a mild splinching accident to a young woman who'd recently been bitten by a werewolf. St. Mungos was seriously understaffed recently as well, what with all the disappearances._

_She ran a hand through her tangled hair, a habit she picked up from James, as she stepped into their flat, kicking off her trainers, and tossing her keys onto the small side table next to the door. "James?" she called into the seemingly empty flat._

_She stepped farther into the flat when she received no reply, moving towards their bedroom. The door was closed, her first sign that he was home. She opened the door slowly, trying to be silent. She knew he was probably passed out, exhausted from work. Being a full time Auror and Order of the Phoenix member meant James was usually running on caffeine and adrenaline. Yet, he never once complained about being exhausted or overworked. It made her love him all the more._

_She looked into the room, the lights off, curtains drawn. Salem lay at the end of the mattress, his bright green eyes staring at her curiously as she tiptoed into the room. There was a giant lump under their sheets, only the very top of his messy mop sticking out from beneath._

_A soft smiled formed across her lips as she settled herself on the mattress. He was huddled under the covers, his hair falling across his eyelids. She reached out, brushing the hair back from his forehead. She remembered fantasizing about running her fingers through his hair when they were at Hogwarts, though she'd always had too much pride to do anything about it at the time. Now she ran her fingers through his hair at every and all opportunities._

_He made a soft sound in his sleep as she continued her ministrations, rolling closer to her touch. He mumbled something, his words unintelligible, before he sighed, "Lily."_

_She felt a thrill go through her. She loved it when James sighed her name in his sleep, especially since she thought it meant he was dreaming about her._

_She laid down next to him, her head on the pillow, her body outside the covers. "James," she breathed, brushing her fingers over his jaw. He hadn't shaved in a while, her fingers scratching against his dark stubble._

_He hummed, his hand sneaking out from under the sheets to cover her's. "Lily," he repeated, his voice firmer._

_She snuggled closer to him, feeling his body heat even through the sheets and comforter. "I didn't mean to wake you," she whispered._

_He hummed again, his lightly muscled arm sneaking out from under the covers and wrapping it around her shoulders. He dragged her against him, burying his face in her hair. "I'm glad you did. Gives me a chance to see you, since you'll probably be asleep when I get back," he mumbled, his hand rubbing across her shoulders._

_"You're going out?" she asked, breathing in the warm scent of his skin. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and she lifted a hand, dragging it across the smooth skin of his collarbone._

_His hand shifted to move slowly down her spine, fingers tracing over each vertebrae. "Sirius, Remus, and I are taking Pete out for a drink. We haven't seen him since he got back from his mission. Then Dumbledore asked me, Gideon, and Caradoc to do some re-con."_

_She buried her face deeper into his neck, breathing him in the way she did whenever he went out on missions. She hated that she seldom ever got assigned to the same missions he did; she felt better being there to protect him, but she trusted Gideon and Caradoc. They were both older, Aurors like James, and had their heads on straight._

_"How was your day?" he asked, his hand finally reaching her hip. He slid his fingers under her scrubs, rubbing his callused palm against her stomach._

_She groaned. "Long," she replied, moving her own hand around to the back of his neck, and using her grip as leverage to pull herself even further into him. "They brought in a Cruciatus victim," she said in a muted voice. James tensed beneath her touch, his other arm coming out of the covers to wrap around her and squeeze her, as if reassuring himself that she wasn't the victim. "The poor bloke was only sixteen," Lily's voice cracked in a mix of anger and tears. "I was the only person he let come near him. When any of the other female healers with dark hair came near him, he threw a fit, which leads me to think it was the work of the_ lovely _Bellatrix. It took a few hours, but once he had calmed down enough and ingested some pain potions, he was able to tell me he got jumped while shopping in Diagon Alley. Never saw them coming, attack from behind. Fucking cowards."_

_They were both silent for a while, contemplating the world they now lived in. They both considered themselves extremely lucky, to have found each other, to have trustworthy friends, to be able and willing to fight. She was so thankful, for the first time, that she had no contact with Petunia and that her parents had passed, since it meant no one she was blood related to could get hurt._

_"How're Mum and Dad?" he asked. She felt him shudder against her, and she placed light kisses on his neck to calm him down._

_"They're okay. Your mum was doing much better today; able to sit up and talk. Your dad was still too exhausted to do much, but eat and shower," she told him. James still felt tense, so she continued to work at his neck. She knew he was comforted by the fact that she had been assigned as one of the healers to his parents' case, but that he was still nervous about their contracting dragon pox since they were elderly._

_She decided to change the subject. "What time are you meeting the boys?"_

_She felt his lips on her hairline, moving against her skin as he answered. "8:00." She glanced at her watch. It was 6:30._

_"Do you want to sleep a little longer? I can wake you up a half hour before you have to go."_

_He shook his head, moving his lips down the side of her face, over her temple and cheekbone, across her cheek, until they hovered just over her own lips. "I have a better idea," he whispered, his eyes filled with naughtiness as he nudged her nose with his._

_She smirked. "Oh really? Do share."_

_"It starts like this," he whispered before stealing her breath away._

_Sometime later, they stepped out of the shower together. He wrapped her up in a towel before drying himself off. She padded over to the sink, picking up her brush and starting to work through the damp tangles. James disappeared into the bedroom, and she heard the sound of drawers opening and closing. "What time do you think you'll be back?" she called._

_He walked back into the bathroom, rubbing the towel across his head. He hung up the damp bit of cloth, running a hand over his jaw, and pulling out his razor. "Probably around midnight." She looked away from him, not wanting him to see the worry in her eyes, but he always was the best at reading her emotions. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. He dipped his head, lightly kissing the sensitive area behind her ear. "No need to worry, love. It's just a bit of espionage tonight, nothing too dangerous. Besides, you should be thrilled; I'm just like that James Bongs guy you love so much."_

_She laughed, leaning back into him. James could always make her laugh, something so few people were doing now-a-days. "James_ Bond _," she corrected._

_"Whatever," he smiled, burying his face in her neck again._

XxxxxxX

…She's considering contacting Sirius to see if he has heard from James, but hesitates. If he's still out with the boys, she doesn't want to seem overbearing, always needing to know where James is now that they're engaged. But if he's not still out at a pub, she doesn't want to raise unnecessary concern in Sirius, or risk exposing James and the others on the mission. She sighs, agitated and uncertain.

"Oh Salem, what do I do?" she moans, burying her face in the cat's fur.

Salem meows softly as the sound of a thump against the glass window causes Lily to jump. She's out of her seat in a second, wand at the ready, cataloging defensive spells to use against an attacker, when she realizes it's just an owl. She recognizes it as the owl St. Mungos usually sends when there's an emergency case. She groans again, this time in irritation. Looks like her shift will be starting earlier than she thought; she'll be living off of pepper-up potion and coffee today it seems.

She opens the window, accepting the letter from the bird, and watching the barn owl fly away. She opens the note, which simply reads, **_Healer Evans, you are needed immediately_**. She turns to head to the bedroom to change back into her scrubs, when a brilliant flash of bright light fills up the kitchen. She shields her eyes, momentarily blinded, lowering her arm once she's adjusted to the light. She recognizes the shaggy dog Patronus immediately and feels her stomach drop. Sirius's mournful voice fills the kitchen. "Lily, there's been an accident. You need to come right _now_!"


	2. Is Something Wrong?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously:
> 
> She shields her eyes, momentarily blinded, lowering her arm once she's adjusted to the light. She recognizes the shaggy dog Patronus immediately and feels her stomach drop. Sirius's mournful voice fills the kitchen. "Lily, there's been an accident. You need to come right now!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. All credit goes to the wonderful JKR. Further, the lyrics are from Parachute's song, Forever and Always.
> 
> A/N:
> 
> This is a post-Hogwarts fic, when James and Lily are in the Order. It is slightly different from canon, but I don't know if I'd label it as AU since none of us really know just what exactly happened during the First War. The story is told in two different parts: Lily's present, and Lily's memories. The memories will always be italicized so you can tell the difference.

_"She waits a little longer_

_There's no one in the driveway_

_No one's said they've seen him_

_Why, is something wrong?"_

XxxxxxX

**January 1980, 2:56 AM**

She moves faster than she's ever moved in her life. She slams and locks the window shut, sprints to the front door, snatching her keys and coat, and slipping her feet into the first pair of trainers she finds. She hears the door lock behind her as she sprints down the stairs, skipping steps and jumping onto landings. Once on the pavement outside of the building, she pulls out her wand, and closes her eyes, focusing everything she has on her destination.

She finds herself outside of Purge and Dowse Ltd. in the middle of London, staring into the face of the hideous dummy that acts as guard/ doorwoman for the hospital. "I'm Healer Evans, here to see James Potter." She manages to get the words out without sobbing, and waits impatiently for the dummy to respond. The mannequin finally beckons her forward, and she steps through the glass and sprints to the inquiries desk.

"Mallory!" she calls to the receptionist. Mallory is an intern at the hospital who had shadowed her on occasion. Currently, the young girl was filling in for the usual receptionist, Harriet, an elderly woman who was on vacation.

Mallory's head whips up as she spots Lily, and from the grim look on her face, the redhead knows things are as bad as she's been imagining. "Fifth floor," Mallory calls to her. "Room 511!"

She calls her thanks, shoving people out of her way as she reaches the doorway for the stairwell. She doesn't dare attempt the elevator, knowing that patients would be shuttled in and out of it, and there would be too many stops for her patience to take.

She's out of breath when she reaches the fifth floor, a major cramp in her side, but she does not pause, sprinting down through the ward toward room 511.

"Lily! Lils!"

She turns and sees Sirius sprinting down the hall after her, he catches her in the middle of the corridor, grabbing her elbow and halting her movements. "Let me go, Sirius!" She writhes in his grasp. "Let- me- go!"

"Lils! Stop! They're not letting anyone into the room. Healers only." Sirius wrestles with her, grabbing both of her arms and trying to keep her still.

"Yes, well, it's a good thing I'm a Healer then!" She stomps down on his foot, a low blow she knows she'll have to apologize for later, but that doesn't stop her from spinning away from Sirius as soon as he lets her go.

The door to room 511 is shut, but she ignores this, grabbing the handle and opening the door to go in, when yet another person grabs her. "Lily."

She spins around, ready to hex Sirius if that's what it takes, but instead is drawn up short at the sight of Roger Thomas, the ward's head. "Lily, you can't go in there," he says in his soft, yet commanding voice. Roger Thomas is an extremely handsome man, made from the same chiseled, Romanesque looks that Sirius was. He has a strong jawline and piercing black eyes, his skin a deep, smooth ebony. He is a soft spoken man, seldom ever raising his voice, and has a way of speaking to people that could convince them to do things they might not normally agree to. Like not barging into their fiancé's hospital room.

"No," she says, refusing to let him talk her out of her need to get to James. "I need to get in that room. I _need_ to see James."

"Lily, you and I both know you cannot go into that room. It's Healers only."

"Fuck that!" she hisses. "I'm a Healer, or has everyone forgotten that all of a sudden. Hell, I'm one of _the_ best Healers in this whole fucking hospital! If anyone should be taking a look at him, it should be _me_!"

She spins around, but Roger catches her forearm, tightening his grip, and not letting go. He pulls her close to him, bending his head to look her in the eyes, trying to drive him his words home. "Lily, I know right now you're only thinking about James, but that's exactly why you cannot go into that room. You're emotionally compromised. Think. We never let family in the room when we're working on a patient. Why?"

She hates that his words are working on her, that she can feel herself calming down a bit, and going into Healer mode- focusing only on what was best for the patient. She sighs heavily. "Because they distract from the patient's needs. They take away vital attention and concentration the Healer needs to work."

"Exactly," Roger breathes out on an exhale. She has a feeling he was afraid he would have to physically restrain her. He loosens his grip on her arm slightly, but continues looking into her eyes. "I promise you that we will do everything we can to help him. I have Bailey and Yang in there, and they're the best Healers we have in this ward. I'm about to go in there myself, and if anything happens, I will come out here personally to get you."

She shakes her head, running a hand through her hair again, and yanking on the strands. "Send Yang. I want you in there with him at all times."

Roger nods, squeezing her shoulder quickly before opening the door to 511 and disappearing inside. She glances quickly through the crack, but only sees the backs of the group of Healers surrounding James's bed.

She shuffles back over to Sirius, who's standing in the ward's waiting room looking grim. He holds out his arms, and she throws herself into them, letting the warmth of his body soothe her slightly. She's comforted further by the fact that he smells like James; like leather, grass, and floral laundry detergent.

She refuses to cry though her eyes prick and heat threateningly. She squeezes Sirius tighter, prompting him to tighten his own grip. They stand like that for a long time, two friends comforting one another as the person they mutually love suffers in a different room. "What happened?" she asks, her voice muffled by his chest.

Sirius pulls back to look at her, shaking his head. "I have no clue. I got a message from Caradoc, but I could barely make out his words. His Patronus picked up on all the background noise; the only words I could make out were St. Mungo's, so I came here."

She nods slowly. "Are Caradoc and Gideon here?"

"Yeah. Prewitt's fine, only got a few scratches, but Dearborn had a wall collapse on him, and he broke his femur. Prewitt's with him on the ground floor, but he said they'd be up as soon as Deaborn's let go."

She paces slightly, trying to slow her rushing thoughts. "What about Remus, Peter? The Order?"

Sirius nods. "I contacted Moony, but he's _busy_ tonight," Sirius says with a sideways glance at the wizard sitting at the reception desk. She understands though; she'd noticed the full moon earlier when she'd been looking out the flat's window. "He'll be here as soon as he gets my note. Wormtail went to go inform Dumbledore and McGonagall, but he'll be here as soon as he finishes spreading the word. Meadowes should be-"

He's cut off by the sound of feet pounding against the linoleum floor, and they both see a tall woman run into the ward. Dorcas is out of breath, her dark hair falling from the bun on the top of her head, the buttons on her blouse done up wrong. Dorcas spots the pair and hurries over to her, gathering the redhead into her arms for a bone crushing hug. Dorcas doesn't say anything, which she is grateful for.

"I came as soon as I got Sirius's owl," Dorcas murmurs into her hair.

She chuckles humorlessly. "I can tell. Your fly is open."

"Fuck," Dorcas mutters, quickly zipping up her pants and pulling away. Dorcas looks at Sirius, asking, "Do we know what happened?"

Sirius shakes his head. "Dearborn and Prewitt should be up soon enough to tell us."

They all takes seats in the reception area, waiting for news of any kind. After about a half hour, all three of them sitting in silent contemplation, two people walk into the ward. She stands up quickly from her chair, moving towards the pair, who are none other than Gideon and Caradoc. She hears Sirius and Dorcas follow her as Caradoc greets her with, "Lily, I am so sorry! This is all my fault."

She pauses, not really sure how to react. She feels the blood drain from her face as she stares at Caradoc, though Gideon speaks up quickly. "It is not," the Prewitt boy says.

Gideon looks at her, his light blue eyes taking in her pale complexion. "Why don't we all sit down, and I'll explain," he says, lightly touching her on the arm.

She allows herself to be shuttled to a seat, and once she's seated between Sirius and Dorcas, she stares expectantly at the two Aurors, waiting for the story.

"Before you start," Dorcas speaks up, "Are you okay?" She looks right at Caradoc, her eyes filled with concern.

Caradoc nods. "James got the worst of it." He looks at her again, his eyes big and pleading. "Please, Lily, I'm so sorry. You have to understand, I-"

She cuts him off, not in the mood for apologies pre-meditatively. "Just tell me what happened."

The two men exchange a look, Caradoc silently indicating that Gideon should do the talking. "There was a rumor that someone from the inside was going to meet some Death Eaters at Avery Lodge," Gideon begins. It had been a problem for months: someone from inside the Order of the Phoenix was feeding the Death Eaters information about their mission. They had figured it out when James and Sirius went undercover and the Death Eaters attacked their rendezvous location, calling the pair by their fake names. Everyone had been suspicious of one another since then, which was not helping the fight against Voldemort. She knows she can trust each of the people in the room with her at that moment though.

"So Moody asked the three of us to go check it out. We managed to get close enough to the house to look through one of the windows, James and Caradoc using Potter's cloak, and me using some cloaking and disillusionment charms. We saw three Death Eaters: Charles Avery, Lucius Malfoy, and Rodolphus Lestrange-" Sirius hisses at the last name, his hate for the husband of his cousin nearly as strong as his hate for her. "They were all just talking, bitching really. Malfoy was all, 'No one appreciates me. My father… blah, blah, blah' while Lestrange was all 'Bella and I tortured some Muggles the other day, and then we…'-" Sirius makes a gagging noise this time. "After about a half hour of this nonsense, the traitor turned up. Unfortunately, we couldn't make out who it was. We could tell he was male, because of his voice, though we couldn't hear his words, or see his face; he was wearing a cloak.

"At some point, Nott showed up, dragging a girl behind her and then tying her to a chair. She couldn't have been more than thirteen, and she was covered in dirt and bruises; the one side of her face was so beaten, her eye was swollen shut." Gideon pauses, his cheeks heating up to a red almost as bright as his hair, and she sees his fingers grip tightly around the chair's arms. "They all started around her, the traitor as well, like vultures before a corpse. I think she was a Muggle because we all heard Avery say something along the lines of, 'Why don't we see what could possibly be so appealing about these things?' And then… and then they…." She can see it in their faces, doesn't really need to hear Gideon say it out loud.

"They raped her?" Dorcas whispers, reaching for Lily's hand and squeezing.

Caradoc shakes his head quickly. "They wanted to, were going to, but…." He takes a breath, looking down at his hands laying limply in his lap. "It was supposed to just be some reconnaissance. Look, but no matter what you see, _don't do anything_. Moody was very clear about that. But I couldn't just sit there and watch as this poor girl had her clothes ripped off and was tortured. I couldn't help myself; I just reacted."

She can feel Sirius tense beside her and she knows its because they both knew what came next. "I jumped out of the cloak and started firing spells."

"James followed pretty quickly, and I couldn't just let it be three vs. four, so I joined in. Luckily, we had the element of surprise, but it didn't last very long. They started firing spells at us I've never even heard of before," Gideon says. She feels her stomach sink, having a feeling she knew where the spells were coming from. "The girl managed to get free and escape, but Avery, fucking idiot that he is, decided to attempt using fiendfyre."

Dorcas gasped. The Order hadn't had many experiences with fiendfyre, but Moody had told them all about it, how it was uncontrollable and could destroy anything in its path.

"Wait," Sirius says, raising an eyebrow. "Isn't Avery Lodge made of wood?"

"Yup."

Sirius rolls his eyes. "Well, wasn't that clever."

"Whole place caught in mere seconds. Once the fire started, Malfoy, coward that he is, disappeared. Avery was just starting to realize his mistake, and was freaking out about setting his house on fire when he got hit in the head by a beam before he could do anything. That left just Lestrange. He and James were dueling, but neither side was gaining. Finally, James managed to hit Lestrange with something or other, and we thought we were in the clear, but then, one of the walls collapsed on me. Luckily, it wasn't on fire yet, but I was knocked out, and it crushed my leg." He holds out his leg, his trousers rolled up to reveal a long, wicked looking scar, though his legs look otherwise fine.

Gideon finishes up. "James got distracted when he heard Caradoc call out, which left him unguarded. Lestrange hit him with some kind of slashing spell, another one I've never heard of before, _sectum_ … something or other, and James just started bleeding like crazy. Then Lestrange started firing hexes at me. I was trying to get over to James, who was somehow still on his feet despite bleeding everywhere, but I couldn't reach him before the traitor shot something at him. Hit him with some kind of spell from behind. Lestrange was back at it, firing spells left and right, but the fire had gotten so bad, he eventually gave up and escaped. I went over to James, managed to send out a message Dung to come get Caradoc, and the we brought them straight here."

There's silence as everyone absorbs the story. Caradoc is still staring at his hands, looking guilty. She feels her heart go out to him and reaches over to squeeze his hands. "I don't blame you, Car, for James's accident. He probably would have reacted the same way; you just moved quicker. We all would have acted as you did, so don't beat yourself up too harshly."

His dark eyes still show his guilt, but a small smile forms on his lips, reassuring in the thick atmosphere. Sirius starts pressing Gideon for more details about the traitor, Dorcas leaning in close to add her own theories, but she doesn't participate. She's too busy staring at 511's door, watching nurses rush in and out of the room. Her fingers find their way to her left hand, to the ring that sits there, and she starts spinning it around in her newly developed nervous habit.

She finds her mind drifting from the situation she's in, going back to December when her life had finally seemed to be changing for the better…

XxxxxxxX

_They walked through the park, their hands linked together between them. Even through the thick fabric of her gloves, Lily could still feel the warmth of James's hand. It was something that she had always noticed about him, that he had warm hands. She could remember when they were in first year, during their first flying lesson. Lily had lost her balance and slipped off her broom, thinking she was about to fall to her death, when James swooped in, the feel of his warm palm in hers as he caught her mid-fall and carried her to safety._

_"I think that was the best meal I've ever had," James moaned, his head falling back and a contented smile on his face. "I'm absolutely stuffed."_

_Lily grinned up at his dreamy expression. "That lava cake at the end was probably the best thing I've ever eaten. I want to bathe in that chocolate sauce."_

_He looked at her, his eyes sparking mischievously. "That sounds interesting. I know I'd quite enjoy licking it off of you."_

_She felt her cheeks heat, but she pretended it was just the cool December air. "Remind me to thank Sirius again for the recommendation. Who knew he was such a romantic."_

_James swung their hands between them. "It's not that Padfoot's a romantic, it's that he knows what girls like. Or rather, he knows what a specific_ kind _of girl likes, and how it_ benefits _him later on."_

_Lily rolled her eyes as James snickered, both of them thinking about Sirius's sexual exploits. Lily sighed contentedly, glancing around at the park. It had been done up slightly for the holiday season, with fairy lights and garland wrapped around the old fashioned street lamps. There was a giant tree decorated in the middle of the park, the star up top sparkling for all to see. It had snowed earlier in the day, and everything was gleaming and sparkling white, at least where you couldn't see the brown mush that had mixed with the dirty city streets. It was flurrying lightly, and Lily enjoyed the silence that came with the snowfall, though in her head she could hear Tchaikovsky's '_ Waltz of the Snowflakes' _._

_She leaned her head against James's shoulder, snuggling closer to his side as they continued their stroll back to their flat. He wrapped an arm around her waist, leaning his head against hers. They had both gotten lucky enough to have off on the same night, and somehow that night had fallen on their anniversary. It had been a little over two years since Lily had decided to give James a chance and become his friend; a year since she had agreed to go to Hogsmeade with him; ten months since they had started dating; six since she had realized she was deeply, insanely, and totally in love with him. They had graduated from Hogwarts together, tied for top of the class, Head Boy and Girl. They had moved in with each other, despite Lily's hesitations, and joined the Order of the Phoenix and the fight to take down Voldemort._

_It had been a long few months. Whenever Lily had pictured her life after school, she had always imagined things would mellow out, that she would have a routine and confidence in her abilities, that she would have fewer worries. She had been an utter fool. Yes, there was a war going on, which made her worries tenfold, but without it, working full time at St. Mungo's as a Trainee, and eventually, as a Healer, she was always filled with worries: worries about her patients, worries about interns messing medications up, worries about James being injured whilst out in the field. But no matter what had happened, he had been the constant in her life. When she had come home the night after she lost her first patient, he had been there to hold her while she sobbed. When he had drunk himself into a stupor after finding the mutilated dead bodies of three Muggleborns during a case, she had been there to help him strip out of his clothes and get into bed. Lily felt safe with James, and knew that if they hadn't had one another, neither of them would have been able to make it through each day._

_"Cold?" James asked when Lily shivered slightly. She nodded, pulling her hat down over her ears, which were starting to ache from the cold. "Let's head home."_

_They picked up their pace a bit, their feet crunching in the hardened snow. They made it back to their flat, James going instantly to light a fire while Lily prepared some tea for herself and hot chocolate for James. They curled up together on the couch, the wireless on and turned to a Muggle station that was playing some Billie Holiday songs._ "I'll find you in the morning the sun, and when the night is new, I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be seeing you."

_"My mum used to love this song," Lily said softly. She felt James shift, looking down at the top of her head, but she didn't move, just hugged him tighter and moved her head more firmly under his chin. "My dad would put it on the record player, and then he would grab her, and spin her around the room. She used to pretend it irritated her, but I could always tell she loved it. It was in her eyes. They would always light up when my dad held her like that."_

_James tightened his hold on Lily. Her father had passed away a few weeks ago from a heart attack. Lily thought it made sense, since her father's heart had been torn to pieces when her mother had passed. Her mother had passed away the beginning of seventh year from breast cancer. Lily missed them both terribly, and found herself noticing all the little things that they had loved in her everyday life. It was like the song said, she could be looking at a carousel, but would really be seeing her father standing next to her as she sat on the pony, the pair of them waving at her mother who was laughing with the camera out._

_James shifted under her, pushing her off his chest. She looked at him reproachfully, but he just smirked and stood up. He brushed off his clothes, before straightening his posture and clearing his throat. He bowed low and deeply, saying in a formal voice, "My lady," as he held out a hand to her._

_Lily giggled, placing her hand in his. "Sir," she curtsied._

_James arranged their posture, adjusting his grip on her so that at first he was standing formally before pressing his hands into her lower back and pushing her body against his. They started to sway to the song, James singing the words lowly in her ear. "I'll be seeing you, in every lovely summer's day, in everything that bright and gay. I'll always think of you that way."_

_Lily turned her head, tilting her face up to his as he bent his head down. Their lips met, their movement stopping as she wrapped her arms around his neck, and he wrapped his around her waist. It wasn't a lustful kiss, more tender and soft. Their lips moved together slowly, taking time to draw out the movements and enjoy the feeling of being pressed together. It was lovely, and warm, and perfect._

_The next morning, Lily awoke to a soft tickling sensation on her neck. She breathed in deeply, her nostrils assaulted by a familiar mixture of leather, grass, and floral laundry detergent, mixed with the sharp tang of soap. "Lily," a deep voice rumbled in her ear, sending shivers down her spine._

_Lily moaned softly, arching her back and tightening her grip on the forearms wrapped around her. James's lips worked over her neck, softly mauling the same spot endlessly. Lily thought it might leave a mark, but she didn't care so much, far too busy being overwhelmed by James._

_"Lily," he breathed into her skin, and she felt goosebumps spread down her neck. "The first time I ever saw you, we were eleven. I was running late for the train; my parents had been unable to see me off my first day, and I was so upset, I threw a tantrum and harassed my governess so much that she quit on the spot, leaving me to figure out my own way to King's Cross. And I remember walking into the station and seeing this little girl, so small for her age, yet standing proudly as she stared at the wall between platforms nine and ten. She had deep red hair, a color like none I'd ever seen, and knobby elbows. Her cart was bigger than she was, and yet, when she glanced at her parents, she confidently informed them that they had to run at the barrier to get through to platform nine and three quarters. And then she took both of their hands, and tugged them after her._

_"When we got on the train, and I found Sirius alone in a cabin, all I could think about was that little girl. And then, like my thoughts had produced her, she entered my cabin and sat down across from me. She had these gorgeous almond shaped eyes, so big on her round face, and a green like emeralds, and summer leaves combined. When she told me off for being mean to her friend, I was hooked. For years I watched this girl with fascination, watching her grow more powerful, more confident, more beautiful. And her kindness, for she was always exceptionally kind, seemed to grow as well. And when she finally agreed to be my friend, I already knew I was sunk."_

_He rolled her over so she was facing him. Lily drank in his face: his smooth skin, full lips, bright hazel eyes gleaming from behind his glasses. He took a breath and she noticed that he looked unusually nervous, especially for having just woken up, but she was distracted once again by his words. "Lily, I have loved you since that first moment in King's Cross. I didn't know it then, but it's always been there. There's never been anyone else for me, no matter what I tried, or thought. No one." He grabbed her left hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing her palm. He slid his own palm against hers, tracing his fingers over her fingers, over the lines on her palms, over her knuckles. "I can't imagine what my life would be without you. I want you forever, forever and always. Through the good," he kissed her palm again. "and the bad," another. "and the ugly. I want to grow old together, to wake up next to you every morning, to hold you in my arms always."_

_He turned away from her, reaching for his bedside table and opening a drawer. Lily couldn't see what he was doing, his body blocking her view, but then he turned around, and her heart stopped in her chest. In his hand was a small black velvet box. "What I'm asking, Lily Rosalie Evans, is if you want that too; if you'll be my forever and always. If you'll marry me?"_

_Lily's heart pounded in her chest, exploded, pieced itself back together, and exploded again. "Yes!" she screamed, her mind catching up to the moment finally. She laughed the sound bubbling out of her and she shouted again, sitting up in the bed and hopping up and down on her knees, as James laughed from where he lay beside her. "Yes, yes, YES!"_

_She threw herself down on his chest, kissing him passionately. She sighed when he kissed her back, feeling as though she was on cloud nine. She was a giggly, squealing mess for another fifteen minutes, not even allotting James time to open the box and show her the ring. When he finally managed to settle her enough, he opened the box, and showed her what was inside._

_She gasped, staring at the sparkling piece of jewelry. The diamond was about three carats, cushion cut, and was surrounded by bead-set diamonds. It had a vintage look to it that reminded her of Edwardian style rings she had seen in magazines before. It sparkled in the room's light as James took it out of the box, and slid it onto her finger._

_"It was my grandmother's ring," James explained. "When I was younger, I used to spend a lot of time with my grandparents; Mum was always busy at the Ministry, and Dad at the lab. My grandmum passed away when I was about three, so I don't really remember her well, just that she always smelled like roses, but my granddad and I were really close. And he used to tell me stories about my grandmum, and from the way he spoke about her, you could tell her loved her more than anything. He passed away when I was eight, and in his will, along with a few other family heirlooms and an inheritance, he left me my grandmum's ring, with a request that I was only allowed to give it to a truly special girl."_

_Lily stared at James, touched even more by the story behind the diamond. It made her feel special, that she was wearing something that had been so important to James and his family. "Oh James," she said, cupping his cheek with her left hand. She was at a loss for words, her emotions such a jumble. She felt tears roll down her cheeks, but she ignored them, leaning her forehead against his._

_She closed her eyes and breathed him in, feeling lighter and happier than she had ever felt in her life._

XxxxxxxX

"Healer Evans?" She's jolted from her memories when someone calls her name. Her head whips in the direction of the noise, and she spots Healer Yang standing by the receptionist desk. She springs to her feet and hurries over to the Asian woman. She's worked with Healer Yang on cases before, but they're not close and Lily finds herself wishing she had agreed to let Roger tell her the news.

"We've managed to stabilize him," Healer Yang says, pausing when she glances over Lily's shoulder and sees the group of people behind her. She makes a gesture for the Healer to continue and after a pause, Yang goes on. "We have no clue what the curse was that cut him open, but Healer Bailey managed to staunch the bleeding, and she's healed the wound as best she can. Healer Thomas and I worked on Mr. Potter's skull, where he suffered _cerebrum maximum._ "

"Cerebrum what?" Sirius asks.

She quickly explains. "Basically it means James was hit by a hex that engorged his brain."

Healer Yang nods. "Had he been brought in a few moments after, he might have suffered from severe brain damage."

Sirius slaps Gideon on the back, looking as grateful as she feels. But she refuses to celebrate, especially when she looks at Healer Yang's face. "What else?"

Healer Yang looks uncomfortable now. "There have been some… complications."

"What do you mean?" Dorcas asks, taking a step closer to the Healer.

Healer Yang looks at Lily, frustration and confusion all over her face. She knows that look, has experienced the feelings the other Healer is feeling. It's the feeling a Healer gets when either a patient's body doesn't react the way it was expected, or when a Healer has no clue what is wrong with the patient. "That's just it, we have no clue. All his wounds have healed, all the injuries that could be healed have been. There's nothing else wrong with him according to all of our scans, and yet, his body is…"

She feels the world drop out from under her, her stomach churning, but she swallows hard, somehow managing to get out the next few words. "His body is what?"

Healer Yang sighs softly, her expression one of utmost sympathy. "Lily… your fiancé's body has started attacking itself. By tomorrow morning, Mr. Potter will be dead."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> Hey guys! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Warning: it's only going to keep getting darker from here. Sorry... kind of... I just can't help that I have a dark imagination sometimes. On the bright side, the memories/ Lily's flashbacks will always be positive, so hopefully that'll make up for all the shit I'm about to put you guys through.
> 
> I know it's been months since I've updated this fic, and I apologize, but I wanted to focus all my energy on getting Don't Let Go written so that I could focus everything on this. I cannot guarantee regular updates at this time, as I don't have many chapters written, and I have an internship this summer this is taking up most of time. I will update on Thursdays though, so keep an eye out!
> 
> Anyway, please leave a review, whether you want to scream at me, or point out my mistakes (which is a great help since I edit myself and can miss things), or give me ideas for how you think the plot should go (I will actually take your suggestion into consideration). Hope you all have a great week!
> 
> xoxo Evie


	3. Something's Happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously:
> 
> She feels the world drop out from under her, her stomach churning, but she swallows hard, somehow managing to get out the next few words. "His body is what?"
> 
> Healer Yang sighs softly, her expression one of utmost sympathy. "Lily… your fiancé's body has started attacking itself. By tomorrow morning, Mr. Potter will be dead."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. All credit goes to the wonderful JKR. Further, the lyrics are from Parachute's song, Forever and Always.

_"She looks back to the window_

_Suddenly the phone rings_

_A voice says, something's happened_

_That she should come right now"_

XxxxxxxX

**January 1980, 4:16 AM**

It takes her brain a couple of minutes to register Healer Yang's words. She pauses, not breathing, just waiting for her brain to catch up to Yang's words. She inhales, and on the exhale, she breathes, "What?"

Healer Yang looks extremely uncomfortable. "Mr. Potter's bodily functions are failing. For reasons unknown, his brain, heart, and lungs just seem to be giving out. We've healed all of his abrasions, and injuries, yet… his body is just giving up. It's like he's… lost the will to live."

She can only stare at the Healer, none of the woman's words making any sense. "What the fuck do you mean, _he lost the will to live_?" Sirius hisses out from between his teeth. She can practically feel the tension in his body, the dog inside him that was usually so sweet becoming vicious.

Healer Yang shrugs. "I'm not sure what else it could be. Medically, the way his body is reacting makes zero sense. He _should_ be able to make a full recovery, but something inside his body is not allowing this to happen."

"That's fucking bullshit!" Sirius spits. "No one has a stronger will to live than James!"

Healer Yang starts to try to explain again, but everyone has exploded now, shouting over each other and yelling at the Healer. She looks at the other woman, the Healer looking harassed and a bit scared. She speaks up her voice soft and barely above a whisper, yet it stops everyone's noise at once. "I would like to talk to Roger, please."

Healer Yang nods, looking relieved that she won't have to deal with the crowd of angry loved ones, and heads back for room 511. Roger walks out a minute late, and heads straight for her. She can tell just by the look on his face that Healer Yang was serious, that James is truly dying.

"Roger, I don't understand," she says, taking a step closer to him.

Roger shakes his head, looking flabbergasted. "Nor do I, Lily. We've been doing scans, giving him potions, using the usual charms, but nothing's worked so far. He's under right now; we gave him a sleeping potion."

She shakes her head, going through various medical procedures in her head. "What about an _animus viatlius_ potion? I made some just the other day for that patient on the third floor, the case of tentacula poisoning. It slowed down his heart rate and blood flow for a long enough amount of time that we managed to extract the poison before it could spread further."

Roger shakes his head. "That's just it, we can't find any traces of a poison, or a disease or anything. That was the first thing we checked for." He pauses, shifting his weight, his eyes scanning the people surrounding her, silently asking if he can share something. She nods, knowing she can trust everyone with whatever Roger shares. "I know his parents are on the second floor right now, and we checked him for signs of the Pox, but there was nothing to indicate it was that disease either."

She shakes her head. "There wouldn't have been anyway. He hasn't been able to see them in a while; he just got back from a mission." She leaves out that it was a mission for the Order, but Roger knows James is an Auror and doesn't question it.

She puts her hands on her hips, pacing the length of the room. She can feel everyone's eyes on her, but she ignores them all, focusing only on what Healer training has taught her: patient care. She goes over James's night, thinking about when he was home earlier. He seemed fine, just exhausted. She turns to the two Aurors with her. "Did he seem off earlier today? At the office?" she clarifies.

Gideon and Caradoc look at each other and shrug. "I was out on a mission with Moody," Caradoc says.

"I was getting debriefed by Davies," Gideon says. "But I heard Potter was on desk duty today. He told Davies he was leaving early to go home to catch some shut eye before going out with his friends that night." He looks at her with sympathy in his eyes and a sad smile on his lips. "Davies said he was excited because you told him you'd be home early as well."

She feels her cheeks flush, and her eyes prick, but she refuses to let her emotions overwhelm her. _Healer mode, healer mode, healer mode._ She nods, placing her hands on her hips. "So no one in the office thought he was acting weird? Maybe a little loopy, or moving extra slow? Anything that would seem out of the ordinary for James."

They both shake their heads. "Nah, no one said anything. People would have noticed if James was acting weird, especially the females."

She rolls her eyes. It's been something James loves to tease her about, how all the females in the Auror office were in love with James and that she had some competition.

She resumes her pacing. "When I got home he was asleep, but that's not abnormal since that's usually what he does when he's actually home. He was there for about an hour and half, at least with me, but he was totally fine the whole time. All his motor functions working, responding normally, not slurring his words, or showing any signs of bodily dysfunctions." She turns to Sirius next. "What about at the bar? Did he drink more than usual?"

Sirius shakes his head. "You know Prongs, he's always 'fine' even when he's got a cracked skull. I guess I'd just say he seemed pretty tired, but like you said Lils, that's not unusual for an Auror. He was drinking, but he knew he couldn't get smashed because… because he knows it upsets you." They all, aside from Roger, knew Sirius was referring to the fact that James had had a mission later on and knew he would have to be sober for it. "I mean, he and Pete tried to see who could hold firewhiskey in their mouth the longest, but I doubt that could have any effect on what's wrong with him now."

"Alcohol does effect brain and motor functions, but he's been hooked up to an intravenous since Mr. Prewitt dropped him off, so any alcohol should be getting slowly cleansed from his system," Roger says.

"What about some kind of exhaustion induced bodily breakdown?" she asks, staring at Roger. She's never heard of such a thing, but people have died in the past for not sleeping. A man in China died because he stayed up to watch all three days of the World Cup.

Roger seems to ponder her words, his brows furrowed as he taps his foot in silence. She lets herself get lost in her own thoughts, thinking over all the cases she has worked on, and whether whatever was happening to James's body could be related to one of them. Her thoughts are interrupted by the arrival of a nurse. He walks over to Roger, tapping him lightly on the arm, and saying something in a low voice. Roger nods, looking at her. "He's awake and asking for you."

She feels her heartbeat pick up pace, and it takes all of her control not to sprint to his room. She knows she can't go into that room in an absolute panic; it never helps a patient if you show your true emotions. She pauses, her hand reaching for the doorknob, and turns to Roger, who's followed her. "Does he know he's…"

Roger nods. "He woke up while we were talking about it, but he didn't react. At least, not in front of us."

She swallows hard. She doesn't know what to expect: a hysterical James, or a James pretending to be okay whilst cracking jokes. She opens the door, walking into the room. She takes everything in, the room looking like every other room in the hospital: plain hospital bed covered in clean white sheets, two chairs pushed off to the side for visitors, and a nearby table with a lantern placed on it. There's a try with the usual hospital type food balancing on a small tray attached to the bed, and a wireless in the corner softly playing music.

"Hi Love," James says, his voice hoarse. She feels a sob bubble up her throat, but she works hard to fight it back.

"You've got a window in your room," she somehow manages to get out around her blocked throat. "That's quite lucky. My patients always complain about never having a nice view to enjoy."

He smirks drowsily at her as she grabs one of the chairs and drags it to his bedside. "You mean they don't enjoy looking at you?"

Her lips twitch despite herself, and she allows herself to grin. "Well, the radiance of my beauty goes away if you see me too often."

"That's not even slightly true," he says, holding out his hand, and cupping her face as she leans over him.

She turns her head into his palm, kissing his skin, and finally some tears escape. "Oh James… what happened?"

James smiles, and it's so him, so happy-go-lucky, so carefree and full of love, that her heart somehow simultaneously breaks and feels whole. "It was an accident, Lils. I swear I'll never do it again."

A sob finally does escape from her chest, his words an echo of the excuse he uses every time she catches him doing something naughty. Her tears come hot and fast now, no use trying to stop them, and she buries her face in his chest. He shushes her, brushing his hand over her hair and weaving his fingers between the strands. They stay like that for a long time; no one comes or goes.

Finally, she's calm enough to sit up and look at him, her eyes red and swollen, her cheeks warm and sticky. His hand cups her cheek again, and he brushes away some strands stuck to her skin. "C'mere," he murmurs, pulling her chin to his face.

She follows him, leaning over his face, and letting her lips find his. He kisses her like he has all the time in the day, all the time in the world. Like he isn't about to die. He moves his lips in a painfully slow manner, opening his mouth ever so slightly, nibbling on her bottom lip, and then pulling away, making her chase him and press herself closer so she can feel the pressure she longs for.

When he pulls away, he nudges her nose with his, an affectionate mannerism that has always reminded her of deer nuzzling one another. It's a motion their Patronuses have performed before, and one that she loves that he does.

There's a knock on the door, and Sirius walks into the room. He doesn't comment on her red, swollen face, only drags the other chair next to hers and plops down. "Oh Prongs," he says lazily. "You just had to go and start slowly dying, didn't you?"

She wants to hit him, but James just chuckles dryly. "I didn't really get a choice, my body just decided it had had enough."

"I'd get tired of having to house you as well," Sirius replies, smirking a bit, though now that he's next to her, she can see the despair in his eyes. He grabs her hand and squeezes, silently asking her to be his support. She squeezes back her reassurance. "Your poor body must hate having to carry you around all the time. I know I would."

James grins. "Where are Moony and Wormtail? Seems rather rude that they're not here holding vigil at my deathbed."

"Full moon," Sirius replies as an explanation. "Though, I don't know where Wormtail is."

"I'm sure he'll be here soon," James says distractedly. "You know, we almost had him."

"Had who?"

"The traitor," James spits the word, his voice full of venom. "If he didn't fucking blitz attack me from behind, like a coward, we would have had him. I know it."

"Did you see his face?" Sirius asks, leaning his forearms on his knees.

"No," James says grumpily. "But I could tell he was male. Male, a bit on the shorter side, and big."

"Big as in fat, or as in built?"

"He was wearing a giant cloak, so I couldn't really tell." He sounds so frustrated. She understands how he feels; it's important to everyone that they catch the traitor.

They all settle into silence, thinking about the Order. She realizes what James has done: he's turned the attention away from his imminent demise and onto a different topic. She picks up his hand and kisses his knuckles, silently thanking him for being so lovely and thoughtful.

He looks at her tenderly, closing his eyes. "I'm so exhausted," he says.

"You should go back to sleep then," she says, though a part of her fears that if he does, he won't open his eyes again.

"I can't," James replies. "At least, not yet." He tugs on her hand a bit, pulling her close to him. "Lily, there's just something I need you to do for me."

She breathes harshly. "Anything," she gasps. She'll divide her soul in half if he asks her to.

His lips quirk up in the smirk that won over her heart years ago. "Marry me."

XxxxxxxX

The nurses were currently in James's room, checking the stats on the various machines he was hooked up to, and switching out his IV. She stands in the waiting area with Sirius and Dorcas, twisting her fingers in front of herself. "So, we need to figure out where we can find an official, and where we can find two wedding bands."

"Lils, you can't be serious," Dorcas says, holding out her hands in a placating manner. "You're not actually going to _marry_ James in a _hospital_ , are you?"

"What choice do I have, Dorcas?" she snaps. "If you haven't heard, my fiancé is dying, and if he wants to marry me before that happens, then I will do everything in my power to make sure my last name is Potter by the end of today."

Dorcas stares at Lily like she still thinks her friend has lost it. Sirius has yet to say anything. She stares at the two of them imploringly, using her big eyes to make them sympathize with her case. "Lils, are you sure you want to do this? Marriage is not something to take lightly. You'll be a bride, and then a widow in under twenty-four hours."

"I think Lils gets that, Dor," Sirius says. He considers her, cocking his head to the side. "I could probably run out to a nearby jeweler and borrow some rings for a while."

She nods. "And Peter supposedly went to go get Dumbledore, so if he shows up, he could officiate. If not, I'm pretty sure we've got a chaplain who could do the honors."

Sirius nods as well, a plan already set in his head. "I could send a message to Vance. She'll be arriving at the Ministry right about now, and she could probably get us a marriage license. If we tell her to use Mia's name, we could probably get everything registered by the end of the day."

"Perfect," she says, clapping her hands together. "Everything will need to be prepared within the hour though. If we can at least get the license to sign it, that's fine, but the sooner we can hold the ceremony, the better."

"Lily!" Dorcas cries. She gestures to Lily's clothes. "You're not actually about to get married in your nightgown, are you? I- just-"

She sets her jaw stubbornly. Sirius speaks up, his voice sharp. "Dorcas, you're focusing on the wrong things. It doesn't matter that Lily is wearing a very skimpy - but very nice – nightgown, or that we're in the hospital, or whatever else you're upset about. The point is that Prongs is dying, and all he wants to do is marry the girl he's been in love with since he was eleven years old. Just think of that, and keep your opinions to yourself."

Dorcas sighs heavily, but nods. "Fine," she says. "What can I do?"

"Come with me to get the rings. If we divide and conquer, we'll have a better chance at finding a jeweler's, and getting the rings. Contact each other by Patronus if we find something."

They hurry from the ward, rounding the corner and going out of sight. She heads for the loo to splash some water on her face. She looks at her reflection in the mirror: she's got dark circles under her eyes, her complexion is deathly pale, and her hair is a mess of knot and kinks. She splashes some water on her face, smoothing her hands over her hair. Her eyes, usually a brilliant emerald green, are dark and cloudy, almost the color of the ocean before a storm. She looks exactly how she feels: like a mess.

She washes her hands for reasons she doesn't quite understand. She just feels like she needs to, like she's Lady Macbeth, trying to get the imaginary blood off her hands.

When she walks out of the loo, she sees a sight that brings her feelings of great relief. A man stands there, wearing dark blue robes covered in gold stars. His hair is long and white, and his eyes are a piercing blue, a sad smile hidden behind a beard. Next to him stands a middle-aged woman, lines around her mouth from the strict line it's usually pressed into. That mouth is now softened into a frown, her piercing eyes not as sharp as they usually are, though her hair remains in its usual tight bun at the back of her head.

"Professors," she says, walking over to McGonagall and Dumbledore. "Thank you so much for coming."

The professors turn to look at her, McGonagall stepping forward. "Lily, I am so sorry," she says, taking her former student's cold fingers in her warm ones.

She blinks, smiling wryly as she realizes her professor has said her first name. "James would love to see you, Professor. I think he'd cry if he heard you call him by his first name."

At this, she watches as her professor's face crumples slightly, the older woman's mouth wobbling and eyes filling with tears. "I bet he would," McGonagall says softly, squeezing her hand tightly.

She can't bear to stare at the Transfiguration professor as the older woman falls apart, so she turns her attention to Dumbledore, whose eyes look glassy as well, but the rest of him remains resolute in its sympathetic, yet calm gaze. "Professor, I have a favor to ask of you," she says.

"Of course Miss Evans. Anything," Dumbledore responds.

"James has a…" She chokes on the word, cannot say it. She thinks it in her head, _final_ , and decides to avoid it at all costs. "…request." She takes a breath, goes on. "James wants to get married, here, now. Sirius and Dorcas have gone out to find wedding bands, and Emmeline is getting us the license. All we need left is an officiator. Now, there's a chaplain here who I'm sure would be willing to do the ceremony for us, but it would mean so much more to James and myself if-"

"Of course, Miss Evans. It would be an honor to wed you and James," Dumbledore says.

Sirius and Dorcas come back into the ward, along with two other Order members. Sirius beckons for her to go over to him. She turns back to the professors, Dumbledore nodding in understanding. "If you don't mind, Minerva and I would both like a chance to spend some time with James. I'm ready whenever you and James are ready."

She nods gratefully and watches the professors walk into 511. She goes over to Sirius and Dorcas, who are now joined by Frank and Alice Longbottom. Alice throws herself at the redhead, holding her close. She buries her face in Alice's neck, just breathing in the scent of her perfume. Alice is one of her oldest friends, and she feels herself getting more emotional in her arms. She remembers going to a funeral once as a little girl with her parents. It was for a friend of her mother's who had died in a car crash. The friend had had a sister, and she remembers the sister standing calmly and emotionlessly next to the casket, yet breaking down the instant Mrs. Evans went to give her condolences. She remembers asking her father why the woman was crying so hard when she was fine only a moment ago. Her father responded, "Sometimes, people who mean more to us in our lives make us more emotional. That woman has known your mother since they were little girls, when the three of them would all play together, so seeing your mum makes the woman more emotional because she remembers all the times they spent together."

That's how she feels at this moment, wrapped in Alice's arms, remembering all the times she used to complain to her friend about how much she couldn't stand James, and later, how much she _'didn't'_ love him.

"How are you?" Alice whispers.

She shrugs because she has no response; she has no clue how she's feeling because she's feeling too much to just pick one emotion. Alice squeezes her tightly for another moment before letting her go.

Frank steps forward then, stopping lowly to wrap his long arms around her small body. "A part of me feels like this is some prank he's pulling on us all," he says as he pulls away. "That he's just faking and then he'll pull back the covers and stand up, and laugh at us all."

She nods. "It'd be a pretty cruel prank to play."

"Lils," Sirius calls her attention to him. "We couldn't find any shops open yet, but Alice and Frank said you guys can use theirs."

"Of course," Alice says, sliding her wedding band off her finger, Frank doing the same.

"Thank you," she says sincerely, watching Sirius take the bands.

"Emme should be here soon with the license papers," Dorcas says.

"And Dumbledore and McGonagall just showed up," she tells the quartet. "Dumbledore agreed to officiate. They're in with James right now."

"In the meantime, why don't we get you ready," Dorcas says, hooking her arm around the redhead's shoulders, Alice taking her hand.

They go back to the restroom and the pair begin fussing over her. "I'll take hair, you do makeup," Dorcas instructs Alice.

"Okay, so you've got the white dress," Dorcas says, gesturing to her flimsy nightgown and dressing gown. Her nightgown is nice enough, long and white, with lace detailing around the sweetheart neckline, ending just under her breasts. "You'll just have to ditch the dressing gown. Now, we got something borrowed-"

"Dor, none of that stuff matter," she says, wrinkling her nose as Alice brushes blush across her cheeks.

"Shush," Dorcas says. "James will love it. So, we've got borrowed: Alice and Frank's rings. Your engagement ring can count as something old, your nightgown as something new. We just need something blue now."

Dorcas pulls her wand out of her pocket, along with an old gum wrapper. She quickly transfigures the wrapper into a small bunch of bluebells. "There," Dorcas says, satisfied.

She looks at herself in the mirror. Dorcas has pulled her hair up in a bun, the bluebells tucked in around it. Alice has managed to bring some color back to her cheeks, and applied eyeshadow that compliments her eye color enough to make them seem less greenish-gray and more of a forest green color. Her lips are a soft pink, no longer looking chapped and dry.

She stares at her reflection again, and feels her heart break. Her face crumples, and she feels tears stream down her cheek. Dorcas and Alice both panic, instantly kneeling down in front of her and trying to comfort her.

"Lils, don't cry," Alice says, running her thumbs over Lily's cheeks and trying to brush away the endless rush of tears.

"I don't want to be a widow. I'm only nineteen years old! I'm too young to be a widow!"

Dorcas sighs heavily. "I knew this was a bad idea." She stands up, brushing her hands off on her jeans. "I'll go tell Sirius it's off."

"What? NO!" she yells.

"Lily…"

"No!" She stands up, shaking her head vigorously. "I want this, Dorcas. I want James, I want to marry him, to be his wife. But I want it to be forever and always, not temporary, not just for a little while." She takes a shaky breath. "But if all I get is an hour to be James's wife, then I will take it."

Dorcas sighs heavily. "I just don't get why you want to do this to yourself. Isn't it bad enough that James is dying?"

"Dor, it's what Lils wants," Alice speaks up.

Dorcas sighs again, her lips pressed in a flat line, but she nods her agreement. She grabs a handful of tissues and passes them to Alicec. "Wipe your face. I'm going to go see if Emme is here." Dorcas walks out of the loo, the door swinging behind her.

She looks back at Alice, who picks up a tissue and starts dabbing her face. "Ignore Dor. You know how she is; love and marriage make her uncomfortable. If this is what you really want Lils, then that's fine. It's whatever you want."

She nods firmly. Alice smiles back. "Okay then. That's that. Now, if you're okay, I'm going to reapply the mascara."

Five minutes later, the girls walk out of the restroom and back into the waiting area. They're all there, Emmeline as well, holding some papers. Sirius comes forward, holding a small bouquet of semi-wilted flowers. "I grabbed them from the gift shop," he says. She feels her eyes prick, but she blinks them away, squeezing Sirius's arm.

"Lily!" They all turn to see Remus Lupin limping into the ward, one hand holding his left arm close to his chest. The group part for him, and he hurries over to her. He hugs her tightly, his arm pressed between their bodies.

"Remus, how are you here? You should be downstairs, getting your arm fixed," she says, delicately touching his arm and feeling for a break.

Remus shakes his head. "Prongs would kill me if I missed his wedding." Sirius slaps his friend on the back, then looks around.

"Wormtail still isn't here," he grumbles, looking troubled.

"Doesn't matter," Dorcas cuts in. "Lily, it's time."

She nods, and walks down the hall, her entourage following behind. She knocks softly on the door to 511, before pushing it open. McGonagall is seated in a chair next to James's bed, Dumbledore standing next to her. The three of them look up as she enters the room, McGonagall standing up from her chair.

James is starting to look sickly, his skin grey and dark around his eyes. Though its faint, she can hear him wheezing when he exhales. And yet, when he smiles up at her, it's the same bright, heart pounding smile it always is. "Look Minnie," he says, moving to sit up in his bed, McGonagall moving to help him. "It's my bride. Lily Rosalie Evans, soon to be Potter. Did you ever think this day would come?"

"I know I sure didn't," Sirius says, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the wall next to the window. She moves to stand next to James, who instantly reaches for her hand, brining it to his lips. They feel so rough and cold, his fingers twitching slightly in hers. "Evans is way out of your league. She's about a ten; you're maybe a six."

"If I'm a six, you're a four," James retorts.

"Please," Sirius grins, though she can tell it pains him to be putting on this casual air. Yet, she also knows that he's doing it for James. "I'm on a totally different scale."

"You're both idiots," Remus says. "Why don't we get on with the wedding before all your inane talk reminds Lily why she never liked either of you."

"Good call, Moony," James smiles. "Can't have her running when I'm just about to get her."

"I'm not an object to obtain," she says, bopping him lightly on the nose. "I get to choose. You're just lucky enough that I chose you."

Emmeline steps forward, holding out the papers. "Why don't you guys sign it now. You've got more than enough witnesses, but I only need one signature from them, and both of yours, of course."

She takes the quill offered to her and quickly signs her name on the document. James has a bit of a harder time. He can't quite grip the pen, and when he finally manages to get a strong enough grip, she can tell it's taking a lot of effort to scrawl his name.

Everyone settles around the perimeter of the room aside from Dumbledore, who stands at the foot of James's bed. She stands beside the bed, clasping James's hand tightly in hers. She brings it up to her mouth, kissing each of his knuckles, and smiling down at James.

"Dearly beloved," Dumbledore starts. "We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of this man and this woman in matrimony." He pauses, looking at the couple with a kind smile. "There is nothing more powerful, more precious, or more important to spread in this world than love. There is a quote I heard once from a Muggle man. It goes, 'Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.' I think this is a powerful and relevant quote. In this time, in this war, there is no greater or more pressing need than to spread love, and there are no two people who love more strongly than the couple in front of me. Lily and James, all of the people in this room can testify that your relationship has been many years in the making. From the time when you were both eleven years old, placed in the same house and attending the same classes, you've spent countless hours together, building a strong relationship with one another. Every time James acted out, it was in the hopes that Lily would pay him some notice, and every time Lily reprimanded James, it was because she knew he could be better than he was acting. From this antagonism grew a strong and powerful friendship turned to affection. But through it all, there was love flowing both ways. No matter what happens from here on out, it is plainly clear that the love this couple feels for each other will always exist."

Dumbledore pauses, looking at them both in turn. "I would like to give you each a moment to exchange your vows."

She turns to James, her eyes wet. She looks straight into his eyes, remembering the first she had realized just how pretty the hazel was, and takes a breath before speaking.

"You used to get under my skin like no one else could. You still do, but it used to be so much worse. I thought you were this bigheaded prat, this boy who thought he ruled the world and everyone just bowed down to him. Thankfully, you grew up and that boy disappeared, and in his place was a man who believed in equality and love and forgiveness. And that was the man I fell in love with. I feel the need to pinch myself everyday that I'm with you, it's just so unbelievable. And I know that I want you forever, forever and always.

"Through the good and the bad and the ugly, no matter what, I just want to do it all with you. And I know that whether we're happy or sad or I'm screaming at you at the top of my lungs because you've done yet another stupid thing, that we'll still love each other.

"So, I'm holding you to those words you said to me in December, that you'll love me for forever and always because I refuse to accept anything less than that. I love you, and I will until the day I leave this earth."

She is aware of other people in the room, but she doesn't feel embarrassed to express her affection the way she would normally be. All she sees is James, and all she feels is her heart swelling to an abnormally large size as it fills with love for him. He's looking at her like nothing else exists in the world, and it makes her whole body feel like its been lit on fire.

"James," Dumbledore bursts into their bubble. "Do you have anything you want to say to Lily?"

"She pretty much said it all," James replies. "And what I really want to say probably isn't something that should be said in front of witnesses." Everyone chuckles and she feels her body heat up as he looks at her in _that_ way. "Forever and always started for me a long time ago, Evans, so there's zero chance of me ever giving you less than that."

She finally looks away from James, and becomes aware of the sound of sniffling. She turns around and looks at all the people in the room, most of them with watery eyes. McGonagall has out a handkerchief, and is dabbing at her face. Alice and Dorcas have their arms around each other. Remus and Sirius both look solemn and proud. Caradoc and Gideon stand with their arms around Emmeline, who's sniffling softly. Some of the nurses stand in the doorway openly crying.

James chuckles, "This is supposed to be a happy moment."

Everyone laughs, all watery sounds. She turns back to James, and looks at him fondly. "You never can take a moment seriously, can you?" He shakes his head, smiling widely up at her.

Dumbledore glances at Sirius. "The rings, please."

Sirius passes over the rings, and Dumbledore passes them to Lily. "Lily, take this ring and place it James's finger, saying, 'With this ring, I thee wed.'"

She picks up James's left hand, and slowly slides the ring on. "With this ring," she says softly. "I thee wed."

"James, take this ring and place it on Lily's finger, saying, 'With this ring, I thee wed.'"

James takes her hand next, runs his thumbs over her knuckles for a moment before sliding the ring onto her finger. "With this ring, I thee wed."

There's a moment after James says those words that everyone appears to be holding their breath.

"Can I kiss her?" James asks, not taking his eyes off of her.

The other people in the room all laugh, Dumbledore saying, "Yes James, you may kiss the bride."

James grins up at her, yanking on her arm, like an anchor hooking her to one spot in the ocean, until she's sitting next to him on the bed, leaning over so he can kiss her.

It's a salty kiss, tears from both their eyes mixing together. Despite his pallid complexion, and cold fingers, his lips are warm and sure as they move against hers. It's a kiss that makes her toes tingle, and warms her from the inside out. She's reluctant to pull away, but is keenly aware of the many people witnessing their kiss. She pulls away, giggling at James's pout, and leans her forehead against his.

"I love you so much," she whispers, her hand coming up to brush through his hair.

There's a great cheer through the room when she stands up, all of their friends rushing forward to shake their hands and give them their congratulations.

XxxxxxxX

Later on, after they've all celebrated with cups of Jell-O and sparkling apple cider from the cafeteria, she lays on the bed with James, her head resting on his chest, his hands wrapped tightly around her waist.

She listens to the beat of his heart, still steady though he is shivering violently despite being wrapped in thick blankets. His wheezing has gotten much worse. She is singing softly along with the wireless as they lay there, her voice barely above a whisper. _"I'll be seeing you, in all the old familiar places, that this heart of mine embraces, all day through…"_

James's hand is moving over her back in long, broad strokes, his fingers brushing against her spine. The motions stop, and she instantly panics. "James!" she cries, sitting up.

"I'm here," he replies, his voice faint. He weakly yanks on her arm, urging her to lay down again. Once she's settled, he moves his arm again, this time burying his hand in her hair. "Lily Potter. Lily Rosalie Potter," he says. "Sounds much better than Lily Rosalie Evans."

She nuzzles into his chest, burying her face in his collarbone and taking a deep breath, trying to permanently memorize his scent. Billie Holiday continues to fill the room. "D'you remember dancing to this song?" he asks.

"Of course," she says, poking him in the sternum. "That was a very important day for me. Was it not for you? Because it's wayyyyy too late to take it back now"

"No stupid," he says, poking her in the side and making her squirm. "It was one of the most important days of my life, aside from today."

There's a heaviness to his statement, a realization of how memorable and climatic a day this day is for them. She hugs him tighter, afraid that if she doesn't hold on tight enough, he'll slip away when she's not looking. He embraces her as tightly as he can as well, burying his face in her hair.

"I'm asking," he says, "because I was wondering if you remembered the words I said to you that day?"

She thinks it over, remembering his story, and recalling his words after. "You said you wanted and loved me, forever and always."

She feels him nod his head. "Exactly. And I want you to always remember that, Lils. No matter what happens, no matter where I go, I will always love you, forever and ever and ever. Forever and always. And even if I'm not here physically, I'm always going to be with you. Forever and always. I'm holding you to your vows, and expect you to realize that my love will never go away, it will never disappear. It's forever and always."

Tears are streaming down her cheeks, and she feels a hysterical sob build in her chest, but she fights it down, pushes it back. She buries her face in his chest.

"I want you to promise me that you will not stop living." He shakes her a bit, trying to get her to sit up and look at him. She resists for a second or two, but then sits up and looks at him. He's looking at her fiercely, almost glaring at her. He takes her hands in his and squeezes them insistently. "I want you to live, Lily Rosalie Ev- _Potter_." He pauses for a second, smirking and enjoying her new name on his tongue. "I know how you get, how you shut down and close in on yourself, but I refuse to let you do that in this case. If you forget to live, I swear, I will come back from the grave and haunt you. Better yet, I'll haunt and harass Padfoot until he harasses you to get back out into the real world."

"James, I-"

"No, Lils. I don't want to be the reason that you miss out on opportunities. I want you to remember me in the best light possible, not view my death as the reason you missed out on your life. Promise me that. Promise me that you will not stop living."

"I don't know if I can promise that, James," she says faintly, her vision blurry.

"Promise me, Lils." He squeezes her hands tightly, the blood draining from her fingertips. "Lily!" he hisses, looking irritated.

"I don't want to make a promise I can't keep."

He yanks her down to him, their foreheads leaning against one another's. "You're so goddamn stubborn, all the time! For just this once, actually do what I'm asking you to do!"

She doesn't want to promise because she knows she's not going to be able to keep it, but he keeps looking at her so insistently, though his eyes are starting to look hazy, and his grip on her fingers keeps loosening. "I promise, James," she whispers.

"Solemnly swear."

"I-" She swallows. "I solemnly swear."

He nods, relaxing again. She lays herself down next to him, listening to his heartbeat. It sounds much fainter now, yet it's still there.

"I love you," she whispers.

"I love you too," he replies. "Forever and always."

She lets the sound of his heartbeat soothe her, and ease her into sleep, her exhaustion finally overwhelming her.

XxxxxxxX

She wakes up feeling disoriented. She cannot remember where she is for a moment before everything comes back to her in complete clarity. She sits up straight, her heart pounding furiously in her chest. She turns to look at James, half expecting him to be grinning at her and making some joke about her wasting her last moments with him sleeping. Unfortunately, he's making no such joke.

When she looks at him, his eyes are closed and he's still. For a moment, her still sleep-clouded brain thinks he's just sleeping. It would make sense; he must have been exhausted. But as she stares a little longer, she realizes that he's not breathing.

Panic rises in her chest, and she feels a hysterical cry work its way up her throat. She quickly swallows it down, forcing herself to act the way she would if James was her patient.

She examines his machines, which have stopped beeping and whirring. They're just silent now.

Next, she leans down, moving her head until her ear is over his mouth, trying to listen for the sound of him breathing. Nothing.

Finally, with her hands shaking so violently it takes her a while to realize that it's not just that she is shaking too much to be unable to find his pulse, it's that he has no pulse at all.

And it all crashes down on her: despair, pain like she's never felt before, the need to scream at the top of her lungs and punch something. But before she can do any of that, a fog falls over her mind. She realizes she's going into shock, but she doesn't try to fight it. Before it totally overtakes her, she hits the red emergency button on the side of James's bed, to alert the nurses that someone needed to come to his room.

Her task done, she allows her body to shield her from the pain, and collapses on top of James's body, her ears straining to hear any sound of the once strong beating heart that had fallen silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!
> 
> I'm sure a lot of people hate me right now. Trust me, I don't like writing about a dead James either. He will still be in the fic, just in Lily's memories from now on.
> 
> I also apologize if the whole wedding scene was awkward. I haven't attended many weddings, and trying to come up with vows was kind of difficult.
> 
> If you all want to yell at me, or criticize or make suggestions, I am all ears. Just PM me or leave a review. Assuming anyone actually decides to continue with this fic now, see you all next week.
> 
> xoxo Evie


	4. And He Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously:
> 
> And it all crashes down on her: despair, pain like she's never felt before, the need to scream at the top of her lungs and punch something. But before she can do any of that, a fog falls over her mind. She realizes she's going into shock, but she doesn't try to fight it. Before it totally overtakes her, she hits the red emergency button on the side of James's bed, to alert the nurses that someone needed to come to his room.
> 
> Her task done, she allows her body to shield her from the pain, and collapses on top of James's body, her ears straining to hear any sound of the once strong beating heart that had fallen silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. All credit goes to the wonderful JKR. Further, the lyrics are from Parachute's song, Forever and Always.

_"Her mind goes to December_

_She thinks of when he asked her_

_He bent down on his knee first_

_And he said"_

XxxxxxxX

**January 1980, 8:40 pm**

She's sitting on the windowsill staring out the window. It's raining. It's been raining since she left the hospital two days ago. About the same time she first sat down in the windowsill. She has barely moved since, only to feed Salem, or to sprint to the loo, where she gets violently sick into the toilet. She watches as a raindrop hits the glass, slowly dripping down the surface, leaving smaller drops in its trail. She runs a finger over the path, the glass cool and smooth beneath her fingertip.

She shivers slightly, goosebumps covering her bare arms. She's still in her nightgown, makeup never removed, hair a knotted mess at the back of her head. She feels numb, like if someone lit a match on her palm, she wouldn't feel the burn. A part of her wonders if she's become a statue, a slap of concrete, or a block of ice. Something unresponsive, unfeeling.

She can't decide if she's still in shock or not. Two day ago, after she fainted, she was brought to a few hours later, only to have a hysterical fit once she remembered James was…

The nurses had knocked her out again, and Roger stayed to monitor her. When she woke up the second time, she'd been high on a sedative, so she'd taken the news calmly on the outside, though inside her whole being had been screaming and thrashing about. When deemed calm enough to go home, Sirius had shown up to help her. It turned out he'd been the one to have to handle everything when she'd been out. He'd told the Potters their son was dead **,** had signed the death certificate, and hadn't left her side until she'd been released.

A part of her had realized she should probably be doing everything Sirius was, but she found she didn't care. She had tucked away her feelings, disappeared so deep into herself that she is certain she'll never surface again. She doesn't really care, to be honest.

Her stomach rumbles, making noise and protesting as it has been all day. She ignores it, as she's been doing for the past few days. Why should she bother with food? Why should she bother with sleep, or showers, or staying hydrated? Or anything, really? She's got nothing to live for now. Her parents are gone, have been gone for years; Petunia couldn't give two shits what happens to her; and the Order all have their own lives, no time to worry about a nineteen-year-old…

She pauses, realizing the date.  _Huh._  It's her birthday today. Well, that just makes her a twenty-year-old widow instead of a nineteen-year-old one.

She sighs heavily, feeling her eyes grown hot again. She does her best to push them away, fight them back. She has no clue how her eyes still have enough moisture to create new tears considering she's been crying for about 48 hours. And yet, here they are, slowly rolling down her cheeks and further soaking her bare neck and collarbone. She sniffles, a small whimper escaping her.

Even though her body is numb, she's in so much pain because she can't make her mind go numb. It keeps playing these moments over and over again, memories on repeat. Everything from big moments like when James asked her to go to Hogsmeade and she finally said yes, to smaller things, like the first time he waited outside of Potions so he could walk her to Transfiguration.

Her mind keeps fixing on one memory in particular go. It feels like forever ago, a lifetime before this one. It's a memory she had forgotten prior to this moment, one that was buried under so many other more prominent ones. But here it is, surfaced again and ready to torment her. Precious words and plans broken prematurely. She runs a finger over the sill again, letting herself get lost in it all.

XxxxxxxX

_"Do you ever think about the future?"_

_Lily turned her head at James's words, glancing at him. They were laying out by the lake, taking a break from studying for N.E. . It was a gorgeous spring day, the sky and lake both a bright blue, the fluffy white clouds in the sky reflected in the water. The trees had all blossomed, a mix of green, verdant leaves and pale, fragrant buds on the branches. There was a lazy breeze preventing the sun from making the Earth too hot, and the sounds of birds chirping happily filled the air. The giant squid raised one tentacle out of the water, lazily letting it fall back into the water. All around the perimeter were other students lounging around and enjoying the weather._

_It had taken James a bit to convince Lily to take a break from studying to enjoy the day, but once he'd gotten her outside, she'd been grateful for his suggestion. All the seventh years were in a panic, stressing over their upcoming exams. Lily was twice as stressed, as she was also applying for Healer School, and would be taking an entrance exam a week after she graduated._

_"Of course," she replied, biting her lip. "Actually, I should be thinking more about my future now… I still have to perfect the-"_

_James chuckled, grabbing her elbow as she started to sit up. "Nope. You have perfected every single spell you can perfect. If you study any more, you'll forget everything when exams actually come. Take a break, give your brain some relaxation time."_

_She resisted a bit longer, but eventually gave in. She knew he had a point, but that didn't stop her from feeling slightly guilty for neglecting her studies. She took a deep breath as she laid back down on the grass. "Why did you ask me about the future?"_

_James shrugs, grabbing her hand from beside her body. He brought it close to his face, examining the lines on her palm and tracing them with a rough finger. She shivered slightly as goosebumps appeared on her arm as he slowly dragged his finger along her forearm, tracing her veins. "I've just been thinking a lot about what I want from my life since the meeting on Monday."_

_The prior Monday, Lily, Alice, Frank, and the Marauders had all been called into Dumbledore's office, where he'd told them all about a secret organization he had formed called The Order of the Phoenix. Similar to what the French and Polish Resistances had been during the Nazi Reign, the Order would fight against the discrimination and oppression Voldemort and his followers were trying to spread in the Wizarding World. The whole group had instantly pledged their allegiance, and while the notion had excited Lily, sparking a rebelliousness in her spirit, it also terrified her. She hadn't heard James express any doubt about joining since Monday, so she was a bit shocked to hear that he'd been pondering his future since then._

_"What have you been thinking about exactly?" she asked, rolling over and leaning up on her forearms to look down at him._

_James shrugged. "I don't know. I guess everything just seems more real now. I'll actually being hunting and fighting Death Eaters."_

_Lily cocked an eyebrow, frowning slightly. "You were always going to be doing that." James had applied to the Auror Program a month ago, and had taken his entrance exam already, passing with flying colors._

_James nodded. "No, I know that. It's just… there's only so much the Aurors can actually do. We take down Death Eater, but we have to do so within the limits of the law. Being part of the Order means that there are fewer boundaries. And for some reason, that makes death feel more imminent."_

_Lily felt her stomach drop and her face pale. With her plans to become a Healer, Lily wouldn't have been on the frontlines of the war prior to joining the Order. Sure, she would have had to deal first hand with the results of battles against the Death Eaters, but she herself was not physically in danger. Now, she was willingly putting herself in the line of fire. The realization hit her hard, and she laid back down and stared up at the sky._

_They were both silent for a little while, lost in their own thoughts. She spoke up first. "Honestly, I've never been afraid of death. I don't see the point in it; we all die eventually. But… I'll feel better when I'm out there fighting beside you. If I'm out there with you, there's a better chance of me preventing you from ending up on a cot in one of my wards."_

_James chuckled dryly. "I feel the total opposite. I'd rather you stayed locked up in the hospital, never allowed to come out, rather than have you in the line of fire."_

_She sat up quickly, her face heating up as she glared down at him. "You better not fucking-"_

_James sat up as well, laughing as he wrapped his arms tightly around her and pulled her close. He kissed the top of her head, laughing against her hair. "I would never do anything to keep you from the fight. I doubt I'd be able to."_

_She relaxed, leaning into him. James had a hero complex if she'd ever seen one. She remembered the first time she encountered it, when they were in first year. Avery had gone around spreading a rumor that since Lily was a Muggleborn, she had a toxin in her blood that could be spread if anyone got too close to her. People avoided her for weeks, walking as far away from her as they could get. When James heard the rumor, he'd walked up to her during lunch and in front of the entire Great Hall, hugged her. People quickly realized Avery's words had been fiction, but after that moment, James had taken to being a sort of bodyguard for Lily, attacking anyone who dared attack her, verbally or otherwise._

_"I'm a very capable witch, James. But you're also a very capable wizard. We can protect each other."_

_She felt James's chest rise and fall against her. "I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you. Go mad probably."_

_"Me too."_

_"Which is why, there's really only one solution to making sure neither of us go mad."_

_She leaned back, smiling sardonically at him. "Oh really? What's that?"_

_He grinned roguishly, and she felt her stomach do a whoop. "We have to live together. Then we can protect one another all the time."_

_She feels butterflies start up in her stomach, her heart pounding in her chest, but she tries to play it off cool. "Hmmmm… I don't know about that..."_

_James shakes his head like he's thought over every solution and come up blank aside from this. "It's the only way I know it can work. If I don't have you in my home and in my bed, then I don't know that you're safe."_

_She snorted. "You make it sound like I'm your sex slave."_

_His grin grew larger. "I'm not opposed to that."_

_She shoved him, but he caught her hand, pulling her down with him as he fell back on the grass. He held her wrists in his hands, keeping her pinned to his chest. "I am," she said, giggling slightly. "Maybe I don't want to live with you. Maybe I don't want to have sex with you-"_

_"Oh I doubt that."_

_"I am more than just some housewife or girlfriend. I am an-"_

_James rolled his eyes, joining her as she said, "independent woman." She glared at him. "Yes, I know Lils, but you can still be independent and live with me."_

_She bit her, some of the joking mood disappearing as she thought more seriously about his proposition. "I'm not sure James. I've always thought about living on my own after Hogwarts, or with Al or Dor for a bit."_

_"Why would living with me be any different?"_

_She gave him a look. "You know why it's different. We're a couple, it'd be like we were married."_

_"Why would that be a bad thing?" he asked, looking mildly offended._

_She rolled her eyes. "I'm not saying being married is a bad thing, it's just not something I'm ready for right now. I want to be young for a little while before I have to settle down. I want to be independent and to have to rely only on myself."_

_"I don't understand why you can't be that, but also live with me." James sounded frustrated._

_She gave him a look. "Be honest, would you let me pay half the rent if we lived together?" James didn't reply immediately and she shot him a knowing look._

_James sighed heavily. "Why do you need to pay it now? It's not like you'll be paying later," he mumbled._

_"What does that mean?"_

_James flushed ever so slightly. "Just… you know…" he freed one of his hands to ruffle his hair. "When… er,_ If _we ever… got married. I mean, then you wouldn't be paying for the rent, or for a mortgage then."_

_She grinned at him, reveling in his blush and the thrill she felt at the idea of marrying James. "Already decided we're going to get married? I don't get a say in it?"_

_She felt him relax under her, smiling back. "Well, considering I've had our wedding planned since first year, I don't think you really can back out of this."_

_"Hmmmmm…"_

_He grinned boyishly up at her, running his hand over her sides. She leaned her chin against his chest, staring at him. "Is this what you were talking about earlier when you asked me about the future?" He shrugged. "So you actually think about this? About us living together, and getting married, and having children?"_

_He nodded. "I mean, yeah I do. Do you?"_

_Lily flushed slightly. "I've never really been the kind of girl to imagine her perfect wedding, but I admit, I have imagined moments when you just spontaneously propose to me."_

_James wrapped both his arms around her, taking a breath. "I've always pictured us living in the house my granddad grew up in. It's in Godric's Hollow, and it's a cottage. It's been sort of abandoned ever since the manor was built, but Mum still sends the house elves to keep it in shape from time to time. No one really knows about it, so it'd be a perfect place to just go hide from the world."_

_Lily had never been to Godric's Hollow, but she knew it was one of the wizarding villages spread throughout Britain. She leaned down against his chest, resting her head over his heart and listening to the soothing thump. "Tell me more about it."_

_He described the cottage to her, and Lily started to imagine the future he was painting, a future where she was Lily Potter, proud wife and mother, head Healer at the hospital. A future where Voldemort no longer was around, and people accepted her for her skills, intelligence, and kindness, and didn't hate her simply because she had been born to Muggles. She allowed herself to get lost in these imaginings, just drifting with James through dreams on a warm June day._

XxxxxxxX

A sob escapes her, uncontrollable now as tears race each other down her cheeks and nose. The water from her body falls down faster than the water from the sky, and she hears Salem jump up from his perch on the couch to hurry over to her.

He jumps on the sill with her, curling himself on her lap. He purrs softly, rubbing his cool, wet nose on her thigh, his fur soft beneath her fingers.

She gasps for air, feeling like she's drowning, and can't surface again. She lets the feeling overwhelm her, and slowly sinks to the bottom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> Hey guys! Hope you've all had a good week; mine has been kinda sucky. But that's of no consequence.
> 
> This week's chapter was pretty short, shorter than I typically write, but next week will make up for it because it's going to be more my usual length, or even longer.
> 
> I also just wanted to clarify, because I had a reviewer (ChiaraCe) ask if James was dead dead. Yes, James is dead and not coming back, but he will still be in the fic, just in Lily's memories. Lily will not end up with anyone else romantically or otherwise. When I said this was 'slightly AU' I just meant that James was going to die prematurely. Everything else that happens in canon is what I imagine happening in this world, just, as I said, James will not be killed by Voldemort whilst defending his family. I apologize for any confusion, as that was not my intention.
> 
> I hope you all have a good weekend, and to all Americans, Happy Fourth of July! (Though honestly, I have no clue how we're supposed to celebrate our independence when we've got the Orange Idiot representing the Free World. I personally think we should have taken the Queen up on her offer to become a colony again rather than deal with him.)


	5. Maze That's Never Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously:
> 
> A sob escapes her, uncontrollable now as tears race each other down her cheeks and nose. The water from her body falls down faster than the water from the sky, and she hears Salem jump up from his perch on the couch to hurry over to her.
> 
> He jumps on the sill with her, curling himself on her lap. He purrs softly, rubbing his cool, wet nose on her thigh, his fur soft beneath her fingers.
> 
> She gasps for air, feeling like she's drowning, and can't surface again. She lets the feeling overwhelm her, and slowly sinks to the bottom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. All credit goes to the wonderful JKR. Further, the lyrics are from Parachute's song, Forever and Always.
> 
> A/N: Heads up, there be smut ahead. Yes, there was an M rating for a reason.

_"She pulls up to the entrance_

_She walks right to the front desk_

_They lead her through a million halls_

_A maze that's never ending"_

XxxxxxxX

**February 1980, 4:36 pm**

She's jolted awake by the sound of loud pounding somewhere close by. Perhaps it's just in her head, which is throbbing with a migraine likely brought on from all of her tears. Salem pokes his head up from her lap, staring disdainfully in the direction of the noise, likely resentful at whomever woke him up from his nap. She follows his gaze, realizing that someone is knocking on the front door. She stares at it blankly, her brain uncertain of what she should do.

Who could possibly be knocking?

She doesn't move, just stares at the door. The knocking goes on for another few minutes, and then abruptly stops. She doesn't care; just goes back to staring out the window. _Let them come_ , she thinks,  _I don't care_.

The sound of the dead bolt sliding back across and the door opening registers in her ear, but she doesn't bother to turn and look at who's in her doorway. It could be a Death Eater and she would not care in the least.

Luckily, or perhaps not based on whom you ask, it's Sirius Black. He stands in the doorway a moment, staring around at the dark area. It smells musky and slightly sour in the flat, and he notices that there are plates on the dining table, some still have some food on them, likely the source of the scent. There are dishes in the sink as well, unwashed. As he steps further into the apartment, another stench hits him, brutal and nasty, and he nearly gets sick. He doesn't need to look to know that it's Salem's litter box.

Said cat meows when he spots Sirius, leaping off her lap and hurrying over to him. He rubs his body against Sirius's leg, and Sirius does not blame the cat. He has a feeling the Bombay has been neglected the past few days, though he does notice that the food and water bowls are both filled to the brim.

He spots who he's really looking for sitting on the windowsill. She's still in her nightgown from days ago, and though her back is to him, he can tell she probably hasn't washed her face since then.

"Lily," Sirius says, his voice softer than it's ever been. He's afraid to speak too loudly, or move too quickly, like she's a doe who'll skitter away if he does anything to startle her.

She doesn't even acknowledge him. Sirius has no clue whether she can hear him, or if she's gone into shock again. "Lils," he repeats, taking another step closer to her.

He can see her reflection in the glass of the window, can see that her eyes are open. He knows she's not in shock when he notices she's tracing her fingers over the window pane. "Lily," he says again, harsher this time. Still no response.

He heaves a sigh. He knew she'd been broken, upset, but he was expecting her to be more like she was at St. Mungo's: screaming and crying and calling for James. But he's not sure how to handle this Lily: quiet and unmoving and lacking in vitality. He's not sure which one would be better. He's only got one option.

He walks over to the windowsill, and is hit once again by another strong scent, this one unwashed human.

"Lily. Look at me," he says, his voice harsh. He's not sure why, but he has a feeling she'll respond better to harshness, not soft sympathy.

"What Sirius?" she hisses, her voice cold. He doesn't care though because he's finally gotten a response from her.

"Have you moved since I dropped you off?" he asks.

She doesn't say anything, which he takes as a firm yes. "Have you done  _anything_?" he asks, looking around and realizing that everything is in the same place as it was when he dropped her off.

He doesn't need her to respond to know she hasn't eaten, or showered, or moved. "Lils, come on, you've got to eat."

"Why should I?" she grumbles, not looking away from the window.

"Hmm, I don't know, maybe because you'll die if you don't?" Sirius snaps.

She makes a derisive sound. "Like that matters. Let me die then."

Sirius rolls his eyes, though he feels a nervous tingle when he hears just how dead she sounds. "Don't be so dramatic, Lils. It would matter if you died."

"No, it wouldn't. I don't have anything to live for anymore."

"James would not want you to do this Lils," Sirius says, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I can't believe we both just indulged in clichés. That was James's job."

They both get lost in memories of James and his cheesy one liners. Sirius shakes himself out of it first. "Seriously, Lils. You need to eat. I can hear your stomach. Sooner or later, you're going to give in and eat something, and it might just be Salem."

The cat gives Sirius a scathing look, sticking his tail in the air haughtily as he walks over to the couch.

Sirius stands up and walks over to the fridge. It's pretty barren, but that's not because she's been neglectful. Both Lily and James worked full time jobs, along with Order service, and Sirius knew they seldom ever had time to actually cook a meal, meaning they ordered out typically. She probably hadn't had a chance to go food shopping prior to the accident.

He opens the pantry next, and finds a half full box of cereal. The milk in the fridge hasn't gone bad yet, so he decides it's the best he can do. Once he gets her to shower and drink some water, he'll owl Remus or Dorcas, and have one of them go food shopping.

He's in the process of pouring the milk into the cereal, when he hears her groan. He turns quickly, splashing some milk on the floor, and turns to see her clutching her stomach. Her face is slightly green and she has a hand over her mouth as she stands up and sprints for the loo. He can hear her getting sick, and follows after.

He finds her on the floor, hands clutching the toilet bowl as she gets sick into it. It's painful to listen to, and it takes all of Sirius's willpower not to get sick himself just from the smell. When she's done, she sits back on her heels, collapsing against the wall. Sirius waves his wand to clear away the mess and stench before plopping himself down next to her.

She's breathing harshly, her throat feeling like it's been shredded by Salem's claws. Considering she hasn't eaten anything in days, she's just been throwing up bile, and it's painful beyond belief.

"Lils…" Sirius has not clue what to say. He's never seen her like this before. She's always been so steady, so brave. Even when her parents died in the car crash when she was fifteen, she'd been putting on the whole 'I'm strong enough to do this on my own' act. James had later let on that he'd found Lily sobbing her eyes out in the astronomy tower, but in front of everyone else she'd been Lily Evans, composed Head Girl.

He glances around the bathroom, his eyes pausing on the shower. "Lils, when was the last time you washed yourself?" he asks, though he already knows the answer.

She sighs heavily, burying her face in her knees. "C'mon, why don't you shower? It'll make you feel better." When she opens her mouth to protest, he holds up a hand. "I just meant physically. Plus, you reek."

"Well, bully for you," she retorts, though she does stand up and reach over to turn on the shower.

He nods and leaves the restroom, leaving the door slightly open so he can hear her in case something happens. He pads back into the kitchen, glancing around at the mess. He's never been good at domestic charms. When he was back at Hogwarts, it had been James that had been the neat one, cleaning up after the other three slobs he lived with. Still, Sirius remembers enough that after a few guesses, he's able to get the sponge to start wiping down the dishes, which he then puts away by hand.

He's halfway through with his chores when a horrible thought springs up in his mind: he forgot to check the bathroom for anything she can use as a means to an end. Razors, scissors, his mind fills with all manner of finding her in the bottom of the tub, the water turned red. It takes all of his willpower not to run into the restroom and stop her.

He stands outside the door, listening carefully, hoping to hear sounds of life. He hears running water, and as he listens closer, the sound of sobbing. He breathes out a sigh of relief, even as his heart feels torn apart listening to her cry. It sounds like  _she's_  being torn apart, and it pains him to hear his friend in so much pain. He feels her pain, perhaps even more acutely since he loved James longer. For Sirius, losing James was like losing his right hand, like losing his brother, his twin. No one can ever replicate, nor replace what he once had with the messy haired, be-speckled boy who no longer walks the Earth, and he wants revenge against anyone, or anything that ended his life prematurely.

Sirius walks back into the kitchen, and writes a quick note to Remus, asking if Moony can contact Dorcas or Emmeline, so the pair of them can go food shopping. If there's one thing Sirius will do for his best friend, it's keep his wife alive and well. As much as Sirius wishes he too could die with his friend, he knows James would want him to live and support her until the end of their days. James would never forgive Sirius is he gave up on her now.

But he also would never forgive her for giving up so easily, which is Sirius is here, fighting for her. She's as stubborn as the come, but Sirius can be just as bad. He'll fight for her harder than he's fought for anything in his life. It's a promise he silently made to James as he signed the death certificate.

He hears the sound of the water shut off, and breathes a sigh of relief. So she hasn't tried to drown herself either. She walks out of the bathroom a few minutes later, wrapped only in a towel. Her eyes, usually so brilliant and filled with life and laughter, even when at the grimmest Order meetings, are a muddy, dull green color, and totally lacking in any spirit. She stands outside the lavatory door, a cloud of steam around her, her hair dripping, skin damp. She doesn't move, barely appears to be breathing.

Sirius walks over to her, hesitantly reaching out a hand at first. She's cold to the touch, despite the fact that he can feel the heat from the shower coming through the open door. He pulls her closer, slowly, slowly, till she's in his arms. He wraps them around her crushing her into a warm embrace.

For her, it's almost too much. Sirius and James shared so much, with similar appearances (tall, slim, dark hair) and scents, and for a moment, just breathing against his collarbone, she feels like she's got James back. But when she opens her eyes and sees more olively skin than brown, her heart breaths all over again, and she sobs, fingers clutching Sirius's t-shirt as she falls apart in his arms.

He keeps his arms around her, guiding her into the bedroom. He sits her down on the bed, and slowly pulls away. She clutches at him, afraid to have yet another person leave her. "Shhhh," he says, his voice soft, yet reassuring. "Shhh, I'm just grabbing you some clothes. I'll be right back, I promise."

Her fingers still clutch at him, but Sirius pulls away anyway, taking the heat with him. She sits shivering in her towel on the bed, a bed that she's certain will never be warm again. She can't even glance at it, knowing that if she looks, she'll see the dented pillow, the outline of his body in the sheets, maybe even find a strand of his hair.

Her stomach clenches violently again, and she's up and sprinting into the loo. She hears Sirius calling to her in surprise from the room, but she can't focus on anything but the way her stomach clenches and her throat feels like it's be on fire as she gets sick into the toilet.

When she's finally done, she sits back, feeling even more spent than she did before. Sirius stands in the doorway, looking concerned. He waves his wand to clean up the mess, walking closer to her. He lays a hand on her forehead, trying to feel for a temperature. "Are you getting sick?"

She shrugs. She hasn't eaten in days, so maybe it's that. She slowly gets to her feet, swaying unsteadily with vertigo, and stumbles over to the sink. She brushes her teeth, the mundane job feeling like such hard work. She allows Sirius to guide her from the bathroom. He shows her the clothes he has laid out on the bed, and leaves the room to let her dress. She's never felt so weak before, with her legs ready to give out at any moment, and her hands shaking. The task takes much longer than it should, and she feels like she's an eighty-year-old woman when she finally manages it.

She opens he door and allows Sirius to guide her again, just blindly following along with whatever he tells her to do. He sits her down at the kitchen table, and gestures to the bowl of cereal in front of her. "Eat," he commands, taking the seat across from her.

She stares into the bowl, looking at the soppy cereal, which has already softened from sitting in the milk for too long. She picks up her spoon, puts it in the bowl, but just moves it around aimlessly, no desire to eat.

"C'mon Lils," Sirius says, sounding slightly irritated. "You need to eat something. It's not good to starve yourself."

She glares at him, but he glares right back. She's not sure if she hates, or loves that about Sirius right now. He's the only person who won't treat her like a china doll; he might have to take care of her, but he'll do it his way, with tough love, a lot of cussing, and determination. She knows he's taking care of her for James, pretending that he's strong enough to carry the pair of them when she knows he's hurting just as much, probably even more.

She reaches out a hand, caressing his cheek. Sirius has always been considered a handsome man. Even when he was eleven years old, he was attractive, a mix of Asian and British descent, with sharp grey eyes, silky, long black hair, and smooth looking skin. Sirius was more your classic attractive male, the kind that could make for a model or movie star, whilst James had been more unconventional. The longer you looked at James's face, and the better you got the know him, the more you experienced of his personality, the more attractive he became.

Sirius leans into her touch, closing his eyes. "I know Lils. I know."

Lily and Sirius weren't always close, weren't always friends who could understand one another without needing many words. They used to thoroughly dislike one another, though that was more from not understanding the other than from true hate. He thought she was a stuck-up, know-it-all snob, and she thought he was a rule breaking, cocky bully. But through the years, they broke through each other's barriers, found out they were more similar than they were different. He hid a fear of dark, small spaces and belts behind pranks and a devil-may-care attitude, while she hid a fear of abandonment and insecurity behind books and cheeky remarks.

She pushes the bowl away, standing up from the table. She walks over to the couch and sits down, Sirius following soon after. She lays her head on his shoulder, laying some of the extra weight she has been feeling for the past few weeks on his shoulder.

XxxxxxxX

Days seem to go by, each one similar to the last. It's a constant battle of Sirius trying to get her to shower, to move, to eat. It's a cycle of wake up, try to choke down whatever has been prepared for breakfast, puking it all up, showering, then staring out the window at nothing.

Sirius is at a lost for what to do. It seems pointless, and everything he does makes no difference. Even trying to get her to eat is pointless; anything she swallows comes back up sooner or later. He's ready to give up, at a complete loss for what to do, when he decides to bring in reinforcements.

He sends owls out to any Order members who would be willing to help. Remus, Peter, Dorcas, Emmeline, Alice and Frank, Benjy. Remus and Dorcas come most often, bringing groceries almost daily and sitting with Lily for hours. She doesn't move, or even respond to their inquiries, but Sirius figures it probably helps to see faces other than his. Emme comes with Benjy Fenwick, bringing with her a potion she tells Sirius should help with whatever is making Lily sick. Unfortunately, it doesn't help much. For Alice and Frank, it's harder to come. They're both full time Aurors, which means they don't exactly have spare time to visit depressed friends. Roger comes one day, his appearance eliciting more sobs from Lily. It's not the most positive reaction, but at least it is some form of acknowledgement of the world. He sits with her, telling her to take as much time off as she needs. He informs Sirius that there will be an autopsy of James's body, to see if they can figure out just what exactly all their scans missed when he was alive. Roger also keeps Sirius informed of the Potters' illness, sending him owls daily.

It's halfway through February when Alice finally arrives. Sirius is about ready to cry, to throw himself at the feet of the five foot four, pixie-like woman. Something about Alice is reassuring, a kind of motherly presence, and Sirius has high hopes that she'll be able to bring Lily somewhat back to life.

"Alice," he breathes, the relief clear in the way he sighs her name.

Alice smiles sadly, and steps close to hug him. He relaxes into it, finding comfort in a gesture that he usually tries to shy away from. "Where is she?" Alice asks when she pulls away.

Sirius points to the bedroom, and starts to lead Alice away from the front entrance. The bedroom door flies open, a flash of red hair scurrying from one room to the next, the sound of painful heaving echoing off the tile. Sirius winces, feeling a kind of sympathetic burning sensation at his own throat when he thinks about how much it must pain her to get so sick each day. Alice looks alarmed, and turns to Sirius with wide bright blue eyes.

"It happens everyday." He glances at the clock on the wall. 9:15am. "Everyday at this exact time."

A strange look comes over Alice's face, her brows pushing together. "Huh," she says, but that's it. Sirius cocks an eyebrow, but doesn't push it. Alice walks into the kitchen and starts opening up cabinets.

"Looking for something in particular?" Sirius asks.

She hums noncommittally, pulling open the fridge. Sirius watches as she lays out grapefruit juice, seltzer, and some mint leaves. She pops some whole grain bread into the toaster, and sets the timer, pulling out the peach marmalade Lily likes to put on her toast. He watches as Alice pours the grapefruit juice into a glass, filling it about halfway, before filling the rest of the glass with seltzer. She stirs it up, slicing up a few mint leaves and adding them into the drink. The toast pops up from the toaster, and she spreads the marmalade on top. She sets the mini meal on the table, next to the omelet Sirius made for Lily earlier.

Alice walks into the bathroom, and Sirius just makes out the sound of her voice. He can't make out her words, but he hears her soothing voice, coaxing Lily up and out. The two petite women walk out of the bathroom, the redhead leaning heavily on the dirty blonde. Tears roll silently down Lily's face as she sits down at the table.

"Drink this," Alice says. "It'll settle your stomach."

Lily wordlessly does as she's told, slowly sipping her drink and gnawing on her toast. Alice makes another mixed drink, the whole kitchen smelling of grapefruit and mint, and drinks it herself. She doesn't make one for Sirius though, and he's not sure what to make of that.

Alice makes Lily drink all of the juice mix, and eat all of the toast. For the first time in days, Lily actually has some color in her cheeks. Not much, but she doesn't look the grayish color she's been for far too long. "How does your stomach feel?" Alice asks. "Better right?"

Lily nods. "Much." Her voice is hoarse sounding, but Sirius is not surprised considering she hasn't talked much in weeks.

"I'm going to make you a pitcher of this so you have it in the fridge. Drink a glass each morning with some toast, and it'll settle your stomach. It always helps mine," Alice says as she bustles about the kitchen once again. "It's really simple to make, just seltzer, grapefruit juice, and mint. If you can, I'd also pick up some ginger ale; ginger is always a good remedy to settle stomachs."

It seems like Alice brings life back to the apartment, bustling around, talking on and on the way she does. Sirius gets whiplash, feels overwhelmed after so long without a bright personality around. Alice doesn't act like James isn't gone, it's not that, but she's so busy taking your attention away from his lack of presence, that it doesn't feel like such a heavy loss with her there.

"I've taken some time off, so I'm going to be staying here for the next two weeks, if you don't mind. It's actually perfect since I've been put on desk duty," she rolls her eyes. "It's so terribly dull, and if another one of the rookies tries to treat me like some  _secretary_ , asking me to 'Grab me a cup of coffee,  _doll_ ' I might have to strangle them."

Somehow, through her long sentence, Sirius picks up on something. "What do you mean you're on desk duty?" he asks.

Instantly, Alice pauses in the midst of organizing the pillows on the couch. She stands up, a hand unconsciously flying to her stomach. She rests it lightly on her lower abdomen, a bright smile on her face. "Well," she says, her cheeks flushed and eyes bright with excitement.

It takes Sirius a second, but Lily gets there first. Her eyes grow big, and she stands up from her chair, her hands fluttering at her sides like she doesn't know what to do with them. "You're pregnant?" she breathes.

Alice giggles girlishly, nodding enthusiastically. "Yes," she says.

Sirius can see it now; wonders how he could have missed it. He never truly understood what people meant when they talked about a 'mother's glow' but it seems to hovering all around Alice. "Fuck," Sirius says. "Good job Frankie."

Alice chuckles. "How?" Lily breathes. Sirius can't exactly describe her reaction, can't figure out whether it's positive or negative, happy or despairing. "When? When are you due?"

"I'm due mid to end of July," Alice says. "I'm about three months along."

Lily does some silent math. "So… end of November then?"

"Yup."

"Wow, that's great Alice," Sirius says, hugging the girl. "Congratulations. This explains desk duty."

Alice nods. "Yeah. I'm sure quite a few of my co-workers are probably glad I'm off for the next couple of weeks. Honestly, I'm certain they're expecting me all to quit now, but I'm more than happy to disappoint them."

"Why are you going back?" Sirius asks. Lily looks like she's still processing everything, so he carries the conversation.

"Moody, James, and I were all working on a case back in January," Alice starts. She breezes over James's name, says it casually. Sirius still feels it like a bullet in the heart, but he appreciates the way she doesn't hesitate or make it a big deal. Names only have power when you allow them to. He glances at Lily out of the corner of his eye, trying to gauge her reaction. She flinches at the name, but otherwise looks rather muted. "Moody has been pouring over the documents for a while, trying to find leads, see what we've missed, but he can't find anything, so he asked me to take a look. Plus, I don't officially go on maternity leave until a few weeks before the baby's birth."

Sirius nods. "Do you know it's gender yet?"

"Not yet, but we can find out next month if we want. I want it to be a surprise, though."

"Well, you look great, Al," Lily says, speaking for the first time in a while.

"Thanks Lils," Alice squeezes the redhead's hands. "The worst part, for me, is the morning sickness, especially since mine isn't always in the morning. Only thing that helps is the mint-grapefruit juice. Molly Weasley actually showed it to me; that woman's pregnant every other month it seems, so she's a great source to go to for advice."

She pauses for a moment, letting her words sink in. It hits Lily first; Sirius can see it. Her face loses all it's color, and she starts visibly shaking. It hits Sirius a bit slower, but when he does realize what Alice is implying, it hits him like a ton of bricks. "What?" he gasps.

Lily stands up, a panicked doe being cornered by predators. "No way," she says, her voice barely above a whisper. "Not possible."

Alice stands up as well, speaking calmly, holding out a hesitant hand. "When was the last time you got your period, Lils?"

Sirius shifts uncomfortably, but continues to watch the two women. "No, no, no. I  _can't_  be," Lily says, her voice raising an octave.

"You've been getting sick every morning, haven't you? And things are smelling funny, tasting strange. Your clothes feel just a bit too small, not enough to concern you, but just enough that it's uncomfortable in your bras, and some trousers and shirts." She pauses, glancing at the sweats Lily hasn't changed out of in days. "Well, maybe you haven't noticed it in your clothes, but you've noticed a slight belly in the shower, surely. And you haven't had your period in a while. You haven't noticed due to extenuating circumstances, but now that you're thinking of it, you're realizing it's true."

Lily just keeps shaking her head, even as Sirius begins to examine her closer. It's hard to tell in her baggy clothes, but maybe Alice is right. Lily, who's always been on the thin side, does look like she's put on some weight. Her face is rounder, and if he looks closer at her stomach, he can see that her shirt doesn't lay as flat as it used to.

Lily keeps backing away from Alice and Sirius, both of whom slowly walk after her. Sirius doesn't want her to think he's crowding her, but he feels this strong desire to protect Lily even more than he did before, especially now that there's a chance Lily is carrying a mini Prongs inside her belly.

But Lily is having none of it, continuing to back away from the pair, looking absolutely terrified, her hands fluttering to her stomach, then quickly away. She disappears into her room, shutting the door firmly behind her.

XxxxxxxX

She locks herself in the bedroom, her heart pounding furiously in her chest, her lungs struggling to pump air to her brain as she hyperventilates. Her knuckles are bleached white as she grips the doorknob, the only thing keeping her standing at the moment. She slowly slides down the door, hitting the cool wood floor, and puts her head between her knees.

"Oh god, Oh Merlin, fuck, fuck, fuck," she hisses on each exhale, a new expletive escaping her mouth.

This  _cannot_  be possible. There's  _no_  way she can be… she can't even think the word. It simply does not exist in her world. No James means no babies. It's as simple as that. And yet…

And yet, she finds herself doing the math in her head, trying to figure out when she last had her period. What scares her the most is that she has no idea, which most likely means it's been  _too_  long.

She looks down, stares at her stomach, her hands moving from laying limply on the floor next to her, to resting on her belly. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't noticed the change. She'd seen that her stomach had gotten a bit bigger. Nothing major, but not as flat as it normally was. She hadn't thought much of it at the time – not that she has really been doing much thinking the past few weeks – but now that she thinks over December and January, she realizes it's been there for a bit.

She first noticed it with her bras, which had been growing gradually more uncomfortable to wear. Being the progressive young woman of the 70s that she is, she shrugged it off and just decided when it felt uncomfortable to go without her bra.

Her belly, though not flat, is not by any means big. Whenever she pictures pregnant women, she pictures them huge, nine months along size. Realistically, she knows it takes a bit to get that big, but she still would expect to be bigger than she is.

But aside from morning sickness, and her weird new taste habits, she doesn't have other symptoms normally associated with pregnant women: swollen feet, strange cravings, the need to pee every five minutes. And she certainly doesn't have any 'glow'.

Her eyes flash up as she suddenly remembers something critical. When she and James started dating, she went on the Potion. She brewed it every month as a precaution. While she and James weren't having sex when she first started taking the Potion, she'd wanted to be ready just in case. That being said, she went a further step to ensure safety whilst having sex by charming her calendar to track both her menstrual cycle, when she ovulates, and when potion refills are needed. The calendar would flash different colors on the specific date to indicate what she needed to expect. Red for her period, green for ovulation periods, and blue for potion refills.

It's a system she continued with even after Hogwarts, one that became more pressing to be informed of as she and James began to become more sexually active. She realizes that she hasn't looked at that calendar in a while; she's been so busy lately with work and the Order, and recently, with falling down the rabbit hole, that she hasn't looked at the calendar for months.

She hurries over to it now, where it sits on her desk. It's open to the month of January. Her heart races in her chest as she notes the calendar faintly glowing the three colors. She turns to December, and sees the same thing. When she flips to November, though, the only thing she notes is a blue glow. Her heart stops cold in her chest.

She gets her period like clockwork, every month from the 11th to the 17th. The ovulation period typically starts 12-16 days before a woman's next period, which means she was ovulating toward the end of the month. She always refills the Potion about a week after her period ends.

She tries to think back to November, but she can't remember refilling the Potion. She does remember something else, though…

XxxxxxxX

_Her chest was heaving as she popped back into existence, her body already on the move just seconds after she apparated. She felt the reassuring pressure of another hand in hers, that hand callused and big and warm, and yanking her after him as they sprinted down the street. The couple flew down the block, earning strange looks from some late night strollers as they threw open the door to the apartment building and stormed up the stairs to their flat._

_She felt like she could breathe again the second the front door was slammed shut, her back pressing it further into its frame. James stood in front of her, his body unintentionally pressing hers against the door as his fingers deftly flew over the deadbolt and other various locking mechanisms. She took out her wand, chanting under her breath as she placed a protective spell around the building. Once they both felt satisfied, both of their bodies slumped, James's head banging lightly against the door just above her own head, both of their bodies sagging against one another's._

_"You… fucking… idiot," she gasped, struggling to catch her breath._

_James, in much better shape due to his years of Quidditch practice and Auror training, was also out of breath, though not as much as Lily. "Lils…" He took a deep breath before going on, trying to regulate his lungs. "Lils, you know I had to-"_

_"No, you didn't_ have _to do anything!" She hissed, pushing his body away from her and walking past him into the kitchen. James followed her as she continued to berate him. "In fact, we weren't supposed to engage them at all! We were supposed to wait for back up and then formulate a plan, then-"_

_"That would have taken too long!" He defended, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring defiantly at his girlfriend. "If I didn't do anything, we wouldn't have captured Snape and Avery!"_

_Lily snorted around her bottle of water as she took a long drink. "Sure, captured them for all of five minutes! Had you waited for backup, we might have actually been able to take them in!"_

_He stole the bottle from her hand, water splashing over the rim and coating her fingers. He took a long drink, gasping out, "You should have just left when I told you to. I had it!"_

_"Sure you did, James," she replied sarcastically. "Because getting tortured by Bellatrix was really all just part of your plan."_

_"No," he spat. "But if you had left, not only would we have taken in two of Voldy's nearest and dearest, but you wouldn't have gotten injured!" For a man in quite a temper, he was incredibly gentle when he grabbed Lily's arm and lightly ran a finger over the large, jagged laceration on her arm. It was deep and painful and ugly, a mess of blood, bone, and charred looking skin that was ripped and curled on the edges, pus oozing out at some places._

_"If we had had strength in numbers, you wouldn't have gotten this!" She retorted, taking a step closer to James and lifting up his shirt to reveal a purpling bruise on his stomach. It looked like he'd been stepped on by an elephant._

_They continued to scream and argue with one another even as Lily headed for the spare room Sirius occasionally occupied, where she kept all her medical supplies. She passed James a pain potion, and looked for burn cream._

_"Take off your shirt," she growled, yanking at the torn cotton._

_"No," he hissed, picking up her arm gently. "You need to check this out first."_

_"James," she sighed, irritated. "Who's the one with medical training here?"_

_"Lily," James mocked her tone. "Who's the one who has dealt with field wounds before?"_

_"James," Lily hissed, her eyes flashing dangerously. He backed down, though he sulked the entire time, knowing that he would never win against someone as stubborn as Lily._

_In a tense and slightly hostile silence, they tended to each other's wounds. Lily took care of James first, applying burn cream to his back where the skin had been burned by the tight ropes Bellatrix had wrapped his body in, the same ropes that had caused the hideous bruise on his stomach. Lily shuddered as she remembered James's screams as the rope wound gradually tighter and tighter around his body, crushing his internal organs, with Bellatrix laughing maniacally in the background._

_Under her instruction, James tended to her wound next. That had been a gift of Avery's; when he'd slashed his way through the bonds keeping him and Severus tied together, he'd hit Lily, who had been trying to snatch the wand from his hand. The result had been Avery slicing Lily's arm open, cursing about being covered in dirty blood as he and Snape ran away._

_They both had smaller cuts over their faces, hands, and upper arms from shattered glass and debris, but neither of them were injured to the point of needing to go to St. Mungo's._

_As Lily applied dittany to a gash on James's forehead, a sob caught in her throat as her memories replaying Bellatrix screaming "CRUCIO!" as James writhed on the floor screaming in agony. He'd rolled into a pile of glass whilst trying to get away from the evil witch, and staring at the cut made Lily's insides twist as she berated herself for not moving quickly enough._

_"Lils," James's voice was soft, delicate, as he gripped her chin with two fingers and lowered her gaze to his. He leaned his forehead against hers, the dittany having already sealed his wound shut. "It's okay love," he said, moving his fingers along her cheekbone and into her hair. "I'm okay, you're okay. We're_ both _okay."_

_The sob actually escaped her this time, and she felt hot liquid seep from her eyes and fall down her cheeks. "It's all my fault," she said, her voice thick. "I didn't move fast enough. I should have-"_

_"Shhh, shhh." James pressed his lips to hers quickly, a reassuring kiss. "Love, you did nothing wrong. You're right; I should have waited. I'm so sorry, love." He pressed his lips to hers again, a little longer this time._

_She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him as close as she could. He reciprocated, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her into him. He leaned back on the couch, pulling Lily onto his lap. She curled into a ball, tucking her head under his chin and turning her nose into his collarbone. She breathed him in as he breathed against her hair._

_They stayed like that for a long while, just comforting one another until James's hands moved to press her even closer, his fingers dipping ever so slightly under the hem of her torn shirt. Lily pressed her lips delicately against his collarbone, her tongue sneaking out quickly to taste the skin there. James's hands moved further up her shirt, his broad palms flatting against her spine, his fingers stroking over every inch of skin he could reach._

_They nuzzled each other's head, like affectionate deer, and the atmosphere changed from comforting to tender and loving. Lily moved her mouth over the skin of his collarbone and neck, pausing on his pulse point to nip and suck the skin, working her lips continuously over the same spot and marking him as hers. James moaned softly, his hands shifting to the hem of her shirt, and ripping the shredded fabric up to the neckline. Lily felt her top slip off her shoulders, bunching around her neck. The only thing keeping the top from completely falling off her was the way their bodies were pressed firmly against one another._

_James quickly unsnapped her bra, pulling the straps down her shoulders as well. He pushed her back against the couch, and quickly yanked off both garments. Lily shivered as the cool air in the apartment hit her bare chest, her nipples hardening as James started kissing his way down her forehead, cheekbone, chin, and neck. He paused there to mark her the way she had him, while his hands slowly moved from holding her hips to cupping her breasts._

_Goosebumps spread across her skin as his mouth continued to move lower until his lips closed around a nipple. She moaned as he sucked on the nub, his other hand gently squeezing and massaging her other breast. He nipped the bud lightly before brushing his tongue over it. He placed one last kiss on the mound before moving to her other breast. Lily groaned, arching her back and wrapping her arms around his torso, spreading her fingers over the soft skin of his back. She dipped her fingers in the curls near his neck, loving the way his hair naturally wrapped around her fingers, and yanking at it as she pulled his mouth to hers._

_James sat up and adjusted his position above her. Lily stared up at him, before tentatively reaching out to touch him. She stared, riveted, as her fingers spread from the waistband of his jeans, up and over his tone stomach. His brown skin was warm and soft, firm yet yielding under her fingers, and she loved how he seemed to tremble the more she touched him._

_James closed his eyes, his breath coming in and out of his nose at a fast pace. She was still amazed every time she saw the effect she had on him. James had always been someone who could keep a cool façade on, making it difficult for even Sirius to truly tell what he was feeling at times. Yet, whenever James was with Lily, it was like he allowed her to see past that façade, to truly see everything he felt and thought. She loved it, felt honored that he trusted her enough to want to share that with her._

_She sat up as well, pushing James into a seated position, and crawled onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his chest as their mouths crashed together. She gasped when her bare chest met his, loving the feel of his skin against hers. She ground gently into his groin, feeling tingles spread outwards from her clitoris as it rubbed against the seam of her jeans. James groaned again, pressing his mouth harder against hers and with more urgency as things started to heat up._

_The kissed for a long while, simply content to just feel as much of each other's skin as they could. Eventually, James stood up, taking Lily with him. She wrapped her legs around his waist, her arms tightening around his neck. He stood there for a moment, adjusting to the extra weight, before blindly stumbling toward the bedroom. Lily vaguely picked up on an offended hiss Salem made when James nearly stepped on him, but she was too busy attempting to unbuckled James's belt to care._

_He paused next to the doorway to the bedroom, pushing her up against the wall. His own hands moved to her jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them as Lily finally tossed his belt to the ground. They ground into one another again, lust and need and urgency causing James to adjust his grip on her bum and carry them into the bedroom._

_He dropped her on the mattress and their mouths broke apart as she hurriedly unsnapped and unzipped his jeans, pushing them down off his backside and hips. James stepped out of them while simultaneously yanking at her jeans. He yanked them off her legs, Lily spider crawling backward into the pillows as he followed, crawling over her. He settled between her legs, only his boxers and her panties separating them._

_Lily moved her hand down his chest and to his waist, dipping her fingers teasingly under his waistband, before moving lower and cupping him through the fabric. James groaned as she moved her hand into the seam, and wrapped her hand around him. She felt his cock twitch as she started to moved it up and down, the friction of her skin against his making James groan louder. She teased him, changing pace from quick to slow, from hard to soft and barely there. She brushed her thumb over the tip, and felt an urge to flip them over and wrap her lips around him, sucking until he cried Uncle, but James caught her hand, panting heavily. "Stop," he breathed, extracting her hand._

_Lily pouted, but it quickly disappeared as his hands started to move over her. James smirked against her neck as he slipped his hand into her knickers, and hooked the fabric around his fingers. He lifted her legs in the air, pulling her panties off her legs, and kissing his way down her calf to her thigh, dragging his hands along the path. He placed a teasing kiss on her pubic bone, running his fingers along the inside of her thigh. She resisted the urge to wrap her legs around his head, gripping the sheets as he continued to tease her._

_Finally, he moved his fingers closer, rubbing them lightly over her from entrance to clit, and back down again. He slowly slid a finger into her as his mouth moved lower. "Oh god," she moaned as he sucked on her clit. He eased a second finger into her, and slowly started to work them in and out, all the while keeping his mouth focused on her clitoris._

_Once she was nice and wet, he removed his fingers and started kissing his way up her body, pausing at her bellybutton and breasts again before reaching her lips. They kissed mindlessly for a while, the anticipation building with each passionate exploration of each other's mouth. Lily wrapped her legs around his waist, and flipped them over so she was on top. She pulled away from his mouth, leaning her forehead against his so she could look into his eyes. One of James's hands came up to caress her cheek, his other arm wrapped firmly around her hips._

_She pushed him back against the pillows, and took his cock in her hand. Keeping one hand on his chest for balance, she sat up on her knees, sliding his cock through her pussy lips, the two of them moaning. She positioned him at her entrance and slowly slid down._

_They both paused, and moaned simultaneously, taking a moment to just enjoy that first feeling of being untied. She kept her hands firmly on his chest, his own coming to wrap firmly around her hips, and she started to rock. She kept her pace slow, long and languid, wanting to draw out each movement._

_He sat up, wrapping his arms around her back and pulling her against his chest. She was about to protest, but he thrust up into her, and she lost her train of thought. She buried her face in his neck as he continued to thrust into her, guiding her hips in a rhythm they both enjoyed._

_He was whispering in her ear, an endless stream of sweet nothings, his words barely discernible above their panting and the pounding of her heart. He lay back down, taking her with him. She adjusted her body on top of his, aligning their hips and resting her forehead against his. They moved together for a few more minutes before she felt her orgasm begin to build. James must've heard her breathing change because he flipped them over, coaxing her to wrap her legs around his waist as he started to move faster and harder._

_She cried out sharply as he started fingering her clit, burying her fingers in his hair for something to hold on to as he moved his mouth to her breasts again. It didn't take long before she was calling out his name as she climaxed, burying her face in his neck as she tried to hold back her sobs as she felt herself spasm around him._

_James groaned, still thrusting into her, and she knew he was close as well. She squeezed her walls in time with each thrust, and soon enough he was crying out as well. He collapsed on top of her, all of his weight pushing her into the mattress, but she loved it, content to be stuck under James Potter's warm body for all of eternity._

_Eventually, he rolled off of her, pulling her up off the bed and leading her into the bathroom to clean up. When they returned to the mattress, Salem sending them judgmental looks from the doorway, James laid down on his side, pulling her against him and curving his body around hers. "How's your arm?" He asked quietly after a few minutes of comfortable silence._

_She had totally forgotten about her wound, and glanced down to see if their actions had caused the injury to split open again. There were a few small dots of blood, but the dittany had done its job well and the wound was mainly a bright red scab discoloring her arm. "Tender, but fine. And your stomach?"_

_"Healed," he answered, burying his face in her neck._

_They settled further into the mattress, exhaustion started to overcome them. James tightened his hold on her, whispering, "I love you so much Lily. Please don't ever leave me."_

_She flipped herself over, nuzzling into his chest as he nuzzled her hair. "I won't if you won't," she replied, placing a kiss over his heart. "I don't think I'd be able to go on if you ever left."_

_"Promise me we'll never be apart."_

_"I promise. Your turn."_

_"I promise."_

XxxxxxxX

The urge to get sick hits her hard, and she finds herself putting her head between her knees again to try and stop the world from spinning. She's having a hard time processing this. She needs more proof; the evidence she's already seen is not enough. She forces herself to stand up, and gets dressed for the first time in weeks.

She feels the urge to sob as she attempts to button her jeans. She eventually gives up, her heart pounding in her chest as she yanks the denim back down her legs, and digs out a skirt and blouse instead. She pulls on her boots, and swiftly throws her hair up. Glancing at her reflection, she shudders to see a pasty, hollow looking girl with dark circles under her eyes and chapped lips. She mechanically applies some make-up, just enough so she doesn't look totally washed out.

She exits the bedroom, and hears Sirius and Alice instantly stop talking. They walk around the corner and see her dressed in real clothes for the first time in weeks, both looking absolutely floored. "I-" She pauses, clearing her throat to get rid of the lump that has been living there for days. "I'm going to St. Mungos," she gets out.

Alice and Sirius just stare at her blankly for a moment. "Lils, you can't go back to work yet," Sirius speaks up first.

She shakes her head. "No. I need…"

Alice nods, understanding what she's talking about. "Sure. We'll come with you."

She wants to tell them no, she needs to do this alone, but she's unable to unstick her lips to get the words out. She allows Sirius to help her into her coat, and then the three of them leave the flat.

She breathes deeply once she's out on the street. It feels like it's been years since she's been outside, and she's missed it. She instantly hates herself for feeling any form of joy as she watches snowflakes fall on the ground; she shouldn't feel anything aside from emptiness and misery.

Alice walks over and takes her hand, squeezing it. "Ready?"

There's a pause before everything is being sucked into a vacuum, Alice apparating them to the hospital. When she opens her eyes again, she recognizes the mannequin in front of her, hate flooding through her body violently as she remembers the last time she saw it. "Alice Longbottom to see Roger Thomas."

After the mannequin grants them entrance, Alice leads her to the front desk. The intern sitting there instantly recognizes her. "Healer Evans," she gasps, pushing back from her chair and standing up. She winces, realizes that at this point, everyone will have heard about James's passing. "We- I- no one alerted me that you were coming. I-"

Alice cuts the poor girl off quickly. "We're here to see Healer Thomas, please," she says politely. Sirius stands behind the two young women, hands in his pockets, looking uncomfortable. Likely for him, it's as terrible being back at the hospital as it is for her.

The intern shuffles some papers on her desk awkwardly, looking sympathetic. "Unfortunately, Healer Thomas is busy with a case at the moment. I could schedule you to come in at another time," she suggests.

Alice opens her mouth, but she cuts Alice off. "No," she says, her voice hoarse, yet firm. "I want to see him now."

The intern's eyes grow huge and she flushes as she stammers, "I- uh… I could… I'm sorry, but I-"

"It's okay, Claudia," a deep voice says, the four of them turning to see Roger walking down the hall. "I've got some time."

She doesn't spare the intern a second glance, walking over to Roger and following him back down the hall. As she did last time she was at the hospital, she forces herself to go into Healer Mode, focusing only on technical terms and practices. "I need you to run a test on me."

Roger's brow furrows and he looks down at her concernedly. "Have you been feeling ill?"

She stares straight ahead. "I've been getting sick each morning at around the same time."

Roger cocks an eyebrow. "Any other symptoms?"

"Swollen breasts, abnormal taste and smell, and general exhaustion," she says, feeling Roger start to stiffen next to her. "Oh, and I haven't had my period in a couple of months."

She's got to give Roger credit for not acting overly shocked. His pace falters ever so slightly, but he covers it well, sticking his hands in his pockets. She knows he usually keeps various objects in his pockets – pens to click, paperclips to bend, tension balls to squeeze – as something to do with his hands when he feels uncertain, or awkward, but doesn't want the patient to know. "You think you're pregnant?" he asks.

She takes a breath. "That's what I'm here to find out."

XxxxxxxX

She finds herself laying down on an examination table, the paper covering doing nothing to prevent the goosebumps spreading down her spine from the cool metal. Sirius and Alice are out in the hall, while she waits for Roger to come back with Yvette Abergé-Leger, head of the Midwives, Healers who ran the maternity ward in the hospital.

The two Healers walk back into the room, closing the door behind them. "'ello Healer Pottair," Yvette says, the first person to use her new name.

She nods, refusing to get emotional in front of her colleagues. "Hello Healer Abergé-Leger. How are you?"

"I am fine," the woman responds, going to a miniature potions cabinet in the corner and pulling out various ingredients for a potion. "Ze more important question iz, 'ow are you?"

It takes her a few moments to respond. "Guess we'll find out," she says faintly.

The Healer hums noncommittally, and she knows why Roger grabbed her over the others. Yvette has never been known for having the best bedside manner; she's a very brusque woman who likes to get the job done as quickly and accurately as possible. She wouldn't fuss around like some of the other Midwives would.

"'ere," Yvette says, handing her a purple potion. "Zis will allow us to safely perform an examination wizout injuring ze fetus."

She takes a sip of the potion, tasting a mix of slippery elm bark, ginger root, and white unicorn horn shavings. She also tastes something slightly sweet, that she can't place for a moment, before realizing it is a calming draught. She narrows her eyes at the French Healer, who merely shrugs. "Ze spell can be a bit… _intense_  for some people. Zis will help some."

Roger stands in the corner of the room, his arms folded in front of him, and watches her with careful eyes. She takes a breath and stares up at the ceiling as Yvette beings to mutter a chant, waving her wand in a figure eight motion above her stomach.

She starts to understand what Yvette meant by intense, as she feels almost as if she's just starting to apparate, feeling a pressure in her stomach and lower abdomen that starts to intensify as Yvette raises her voice slightly. She feels a moment of pure panic as she wonders how the little being inside her could possibly be faring when she was having a hard enough time taking a deep breath at the moment.

Suddenly, the pressure fades and she's able to take a deep breath again. She looks at Yvette, waiting for an explanation. "We 'ave to wait a few minutes for ze spell to work. If 'er skin glows blue, she is wiz child; if it glows white, she iz not."

They wait in a tense silence, Yvette turning back to her potions and mixing up something else, whilst Roger continues to stand there calmly. Finally, she starts to feel a tingling in her toes. It starts to spread, moving up her legs and then to her fingers, and then her whole body. Yvette turns around, and waves her wand, dimming the lights in the room.

As if she's suddenly turned into some rare tropical fish, she watches as her skin starts to slowly shift color, till she's glowing a brilliant royal blue. The glow lasts for about a minute, before fading just as quickly as it appeared. Yvette waves her wand to turn the lights back on, and looks at her. "It iz as you thought. You are wiz child."

She's suddenly grateful Yvette gave her the calming draught because she feels nothing, but contentment at the moment. She's uncertain how she would have reacted had she been told this news when she wasn't drugged.

Roger and Yvette seem to be waiting for her to say something, but when she doesn't, Yvette breezes over it. "I'm making you 'ere a mixture of red raspberry leaf, ginger, and dragon's scale tea. It will 'elp wiz ze baby's nutrients, and possibly take away some of your sickness." When she still doesn't respond, Yvette turns to face her fully, her lips pursed in a straight line rather similar to McGonagall's. "Or, if you are 'aving second thoughts, zere are ozzer paths we can take."

Those words hang in the air, ominous and daunting. She knows what Yvette is talking about. She remembers when she was fourteen hearing her mother and a neighbor discuss a woman from Cokeworth who'd had an abortion. They'd talked about the woman as though she was some kind of monster, doing such a scandalous and illegal thing. But she has always been a big believer in choice, and a woman's power to choose for herself. It was just a matter of what she wanted to do for herself now.

"You don't have to make a decision today, but if you do decide to terminate the pregnancy, you need to let us know within the next week, as we're coming up on the period when it's a bit too dangerous to perform such a risky procedure," Roger says, coming to stand next to Yvette.

She sits up, one had subconsciously moving to her stomach. "How far along am I?"

"I'd say you are jus at ze end of your first trimester," Yvette says. "If you do decide to keep ze baby, you should come back for an examine in four week's time, and we can discover ze baby's sex."

She nods, absorbing all this information, and pushes herself up from the table. "We'll leave to let you get dressed. Stop by the desk, and schedule an appointment for next Friday with both me and Yvette regardless of what you choose. On Friday, we'll discuss how to proceed."

The two Healers leave the room, allowing her to get dressed. As she slowly pulls back on her clothes, she feels her mind reel with the weight of the choice she has to make. She catches a glimpse of the potion Yvette made for her, and walks over to it. It's a deep pink color, and smells like raspberries.

She stares into the liquid, and wonders, can she possibly go through with this pregnancy without James? Or, should she let go of the last thing she has left of him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> Hey guys! So, this was supposed to be last week's post, but as y'all can see, it's pretty long, so I didn't get it finished in time. Hope you all enjoyed.
> 
> Also, I've only ever written smut once before, so I would really appreciate any thoughts you guys have to share with me about what you thought: was it good, bad? Too much, too little? Tasteful, tacky? Just send me a PM or leave a review, please!
> 
> Have a nice weekend!
> 
> xoxo Evie

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Notes:
> 
> Hey guys! I know this probably was a bit confusing, but I will be writing more chapters. I don't know if anyone is familiar with the band Parachute, but this story is inspired by a song of the same name (Forever and Always). It's a really, really good song, my favorite of theirs really, and you should definitely check it out, though it will give away somewhat of the plot of the story. But definitely check out the band!
> 
> Originally, I was going to make this just a one shot, and then leave it up to you guys whether I should continue or not, but I started getting ideas, and well... Here we are!
> 
> Also, I just wanted to point out that I have read the Pottermore page on the Potter family history, and I recognize that the Potters (Fleamont and Euphemia) do not pass away until after James and Lily get married, but it just works better for my plot if they're already sick.
> 
> That's all for now. Have a wonderful rest of the week!
> 
> xoxo Evie


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